PhD Singleton

I have had the thought of writing this blog for a very long time but for some completely inexplicable reason I feel more vulnerable and exposed writing about being single than I do writing about being brokenhearted (which took up two blog posts) or having to re-write my PhD or even losing someone I love. But, since Valentine's Day is coming up - and I already did one of those optimistic blogs about all the things I love last year - I thought I would actually talk about being single and doing a PhD (after all, I am no longer even doing a PhD so that half of the equation is in the past). I am quite content being single, but is my reluctance to write about it because I perceive there to be a stigma associated with being over thirty and single? I hope not... Although I do like that I can put "Dr" instead of "Miss" on forms now. 

I actually got the idea from the PHD COMICS Facebook page (You all know I love PHD COMICS - I mentioned it in the optimistic Valentine's Day post last year). The topic they were discussing was: 

"What is your experience being single in grad school? Tell us your stories." 

There were plenty of responses along this line: 

"Find someone before starting, otherwise end up as the unemployed overeducated catlady." 

But I really liked this comment most:

"My daughter may not have an m.r.s. but she'll have a Ph.D., and that lasts forever."

Of course liking that line doesn't mean that I want to be single forever either - and saying that doesn't mean that I will judge the success of my life based on whether or not I get married. 

In the first part of my PhD I did actually have a boyfriend, and quite a serious one at that. When we broke up it took a while to get over him and so for a while I wasn't interested in looking for anything else. Funny thing though, when I was over him, I actually still wasn't interested in looking for anyone else. Doing a PhD takes up a lot of time, and so I was grateful that I didn't have the extra distraction of wanting to spend time with a boyfriend (does that make me sound terrible?) I enjoyed having my free time to myself or to spend with my friends. I was pleased that if I was working late or on the weekend I wasn't resenting the work as time away from the boyfriend (which is what happened when I was in a relationship).  

I am quite an independent person and enjoy being the sole dictator of how I spend my time (and I have mentioned before, I am glad to not have to watch hockey games on cold Winter evenings anymore - not that I didn't want to do it at the time). I also find that I need time alone to stay sane (which is possible in a relationship too, of course). I also like that because I am single I make decisions about my future (geographically speaking) that are purely selfish. So, I am a pretty happy singleton at any time but I want to be honest. While I was doing my PhD I didn't have head space to meet someone new. I didn't have time. I didn't have the inclination. I didn't actually even go out to places where meeting someone would be a possibility. I was grateful that my PhD could come first in my life - even if it drove me a little bit crazy (and it probably didn't come as first in my life as it should have, I do love spending time with my friends). I suspect, that might be true for a lot of PhDers. If this is making you - as a current single PhDers - feel sad, I know of some friends that did manage to meet new people during the course of their PhD so don't lose hope. And here is further reason for hope... one day... even though it is very hard to believe... you will finish your PhD and LIFE will carry on. Isn't that an amazing thought. I am still not sure if I believe I am done (although I do have the mug to prove it).

Great gift!!!

And while finishing your PhD might not mean that you have loads of extra time (because of course you will find a job or get a post doc that keeps you busy - see, I am all about hope) it will hopefully mean that you can allow something else to come first in your life. For me, right now, I think what should be coming first in my life is me... I am enjoying having the time to go to yoga and go for walks (with the JHB dogs) and read lots and lots of books. After all, I hopefully will soon be very busy learning the ropes at a new job/post doc. As far as relationships go... well I would rather first know where I will be in the next 6 months, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see... 

I think one of the reasons that I was hesitant to write this blog is because while I am single, it is not how I define myself. I have always felt it frustrating when listening to people that are just so desperate to be in a couple that it is their primary focus (also those "I wish I had a boyfriend" conversations get a little bit boring). I believe that what you achieve in the world should be how you define yourself, not whether or not you are married. I also felt frustrated when people do the Bridget Jones "when are you going to get married then?" thing because I feel that there is so much more happening in my life. Still, Valentine's Day is the one day of a year when it is inevitable to be defined be your relationship status. BUT Valentine's Day also means the end of my alcohol free month - got to love that - so Happy Valentines Day indeed! 

Dog wisdom

I want to introduce you to Jack. Jack is not a Jack Russel although there is a certain resemblance. He is around 14 and originally from Johannesburg. A couple of years ago he was starting to look really old. He really struggled in Winter because it can get very cold in Johannesburg, particularly at night (that random bit of information is for the foreign readers). So, Jack retired down to the south coast of KwaZulu-Natal (where it is less cold and he gets to go to the beach every day) and became years younger again. It is a pretty remarkable difference. (It suggests that maybe we should all be living on the south coast... OK, maybe that is just my current wishful thinking). 

Anyway, you didn't actually need to know any of this, but it adds back story to my mini light bulb moment on our daily beach walk today. Jack likes to walk forward, he will put up with turning off the path to the pools if the other dogs insist, but as a whole he likes to keep going straight on (unless he is stopping for one of his many sniffs and leg-lifts). He behaves really well and generally responds to little tugs on the lead when I get impatient waiting for him to finish smelling the canine community news reports. The only time that he really requires persuasion is when us lazy humans decide it is time to turn around and go back home. This goes against everything Jack believes in (which, as I said, is to go forward). 

Today, I was a little exasperated (and there is that slight feeling of guilt because we could of course walk further but then we will have to walk back further too) and asked Jack (out-loud in that way that perfectly sane people talk to their dogs) what it is that makes him so excited about the next step. 

I know... light bulb moment... OK, maybe it is not immediately obvious but as I said it, it made me ask myself why I am not so excited for the next step. The most immediate answer is that I don't have any idea what the next step is and I am someone that likes to know where I am going to be in 6 months time (I may have mentioned that already), so the not-knowing and diminishing bank balance (particularly in light of the sms I keep getting telling me I have to buy a TV licence - as if that's how I want to spend my money) is causing stress. And today I was told that I need to move out of my BEAUTIFUL office in UCT which makes going back no longer a possibility. (This was inevitable, expected and completely reasonable, and to be honest, it was a very nicely phrased email that still gave me an option of having 'floating space' in the lab - but it still made me feel a little lost, dispensable and unemployed (so that answers that question)). 

BUT, this should be an exciting time, a time of new beginnings and options (although it really doesn't feel like it), hope and possibility. I should take a page out of the wise old Jack's book: look forward and be excited about the next step... whatever that step may be. 

Well, actually, I am posting this today because the next step is that I am flying up to JHB (City of Gold, Red and Orange) on Friday so I won't be able to post then (and the light bulb moment happened today). I am devastated to turn away from the daily walks on the beach and the constant sound of crashing waves (and Jack and Dingo and Brinny. Oh and my awesome folks) but I am looking forward to spending time with the people I love up there and seeing my school friends. I am also hoping that the aura of JHB work ethic will blow away the lazy-beach-bum mist that has settled on my brain. Papers need to be written and work needs to be found and I am going to try very hard to look forward and be excited about whatever the next step brings... 

And Brinny, because there is no favouritism
here. 

Introducing Dingo

On holiday or Unemployed?

So, I have finished my PhD, and I think I deserve a holiday, a proper, really-not-even-going-to-bring-papers-that-I-will-never-read, holiday. It turns out that this is not that easy to do. First of all, it took me a while to stop feeling like I needed to be on campus all the time. And in fact, I didn't really succeed in that until I got on a plane with my folks up to KZN. Even then, I couldn't help feeling guilty that I wasn't working. And worse than that, was the fact that I didn't have a job to work on (OK, not strictly true - job hunting is pretty full time and I still have papers that need to be published... in fact, eekkk, lots to do). 

And, to be honest, everything was really busy leading up to graduation and then VERY soon after that there was Christmas, so it all felt like GO GO GO. Now, I have settled in to being quite lazy and reading MANY books and having lovely daily (more often than not, twice daily - the afternoon walks were started while I was still very much in a GO GO GO frame of mind. I find that those frames of mind are also useful for getting weird things like door/wall washing done) walks on the beach (the dogs insist). 

Now that I am thoroughly in the lazy (beach bum) frame of mind, it is difficult to get myself to focus on writing up papers and sending my precious little CV into the world of rejectability (the pool is 28 degrees... the beach in 200m away - it is heaven and I am  only human!) BUT, the point is, whatever frame of mind I have been in, in the back of my head, instead of feeling like a well-deserved holiday, I can't help feeling that I am actually just unemployed. It turns out that an essential part of being on holiday is the knowledge that your holiday has to end and you have something that you have to get back to. It doesn't help that people keep telling you: "something will come" because I am the type of person that likes to know where I am going to be in 6 months time (and then spontaneously do something different). 

The daunting prospect of finding a job puts a real damper on suntanning (OK, I never suntan, who in their right minds suntans now that we know about skin cancer and wrinkles?) (Of course, the MASSIVE storm that is brewing at the moment is also putting a damper on things). The rejection letters don't help either. One funding prospect felt it is OK to reject an application right before Christmas - have they no heart. And articles like this one about your career in science costing you first born don't help either. It truly is daunting, thinking about whether I would want to live in Texas (turns out, they didn't want me to live in Texas), Qatar or stick in the place you know and love. And even with the PhD, what do I really know how to do? What can I legitimately apply for? When would I be selling myself short? (And I have during the course of writing this had another rejection letter from a job that I was definitely over qualified for.) Who can I outsource this panic too?

Still, I haven't had a real holiday with no guilt attached in probably ten years and I am in a beautiful place with my very patient and generous parents. As much as I am in a complete panic about what the future will bring, where I will be living and how I will start paying for a pension fund (not to mention boring things like rent, medical aid, insurance etc), I am determined to appreciate the fact that for once, I can relax and read (in the shade - liberally covered in suntan lotion) The papers are happening slowly, but I think, at least until the end of next week, that that's OK. And it is beautiful here so I thought I would share some of my photos. 

However, what ever else I was going to say in this blog has fled my mind as the sound of thunder grows louder. I have seen too many modems go up in smoke during a thunderstorm to sit happily on my computer in a storm. (Yes, feel free to hate me if you are sitting writing your thesis... but I suspect that since it is after 4pm on a Friday your time would be better spent at the pub).

I guess I will just have to go and read my book... I think that the afternoon walk is a no-go... I haven't seen weather like this in ages.

Looking back

The end of 2014 was a pretty busy time, what with having to watch all (but one - which I frustratingly forgot to bring on holiday) the Harry Potter movies (You should have guessed I am a fan and there is a study that shows that reading the Harry Potter novels made young people less xenophobic so I am not even going to be embarrassed by my fandom)... One of my friends suggested that binge watching Harry Potter movies was a perfectly reasonable way for people in their thirties to spend New Years Eve. 

OK, OK, and there was that whole graduation thing (which was totally Harry Potter-esque). So let me catch you up... 

My two PhD campuses:
University of Cape Town and
University of Pretoria (still intact)

While walking to the (what I thought would be cringey lunch) I couldn't help thinking that the arches of SMUTS residents are wasted on 18-year-old first years who are probably too young to have watched Harry Potter. The Smuts dining hall is lovely, and even if the first years have watched Harry Potter, I am sure they wouldn't recognise the crests of the four provinces of "Old South Africa" that adorn the stain glass windows.  The quad area is also fabulous. I felt sad that I had spent my first year in an ugly pink, spiral building at the bottom of the hill (Tugwell).

The lunch wasn't at all cringey. My main supervisor was also invited and it was really nice to sit with her and not talk about my thesis. (She did ask another PhD student at the table how long it had taken him and I couldn't help nudging her and telling her that it and "what are you doing next" are rude questions. He said it is the equivalent of asking "how old are you?" and "how much do you weigh?")  The food was delicious and it was a fabulous cheap thrill to have to stand up and bob my head (blushing furiously) when they called my name (every PhD got to stand up and bob - although the extroverted ones waved or bowed and didn't blush at all). It was also really great to have some friends graduating at the same time as me, so it was even more fun than expected to go collect our RED CAPES and try on the silly pouffy hats. 

Go on, you know you
can picture this in
Hogwarts... 

And then... I fell in love... 

When I graduated in 2003, I looked admiringly at the PhDs in their red capes and right there I decided I had to be one of them one day. Admittedly, an outfit - not matter how awesome - is probably not a good enough reason to do a PhD, but once I had that cape in my hands, I didn't want to ever give it back. 

blurry with excitement...
but that's pretty much the grin that
was plastered on my face all afternoon

So, we all know graduations are boring, you just have to sit and listen to a bunch of names that don't mean anything to you (although I have been a demonstrator for some of the BScs) waiting for the two seconds when you go up and spend the whole time concentrating so hard on not stuffing up that it all passes in a bit of a blur. However, even knowing and anticipating that (it is not my first graduation, you know) I spent the whole time grinning like a crazy person. We had awesome front row seats so lots of opportunity to comment on the ridiculous heels some people were wearing (no tripping, but there was one very close call) and I was right in front of our department's very lovely HOD. I am pretty sure she noticed me grinning like a crazy person, but I was really very happy to be there. 

The quality of the paper appears to
be related to the degree you are getting.

It was also really fantastic to have my folks down in Cape Town for a bit of a holiday and wine drinking. We went to Kirstenbosch's magical Carols by Glow stick. We celebrated at a lovely new restaurant in Harfield Village that serves responsible, seasonal and sustainable food - Graze - and let us drink lots of our own wine without charging corkage (this was because they are still waiting for their liquor licence so was a time-limited bonus). We also explored "The Spice Route" which isn't a route as such, but one place with loads of exciting things to do (wine tasting, chocolate tasting, beer tasting and delicious food at the restaurants). But, even if all we had done was go to graduation, it was lovely to share this huge moment with two of the people that made it possible, were forever supportive, generous and patient and never put pressure on me. I am, and always will be, so grateful to my amazing parents. 

I was also humbled (AGAIN - gosh this PhD thing is very humbling) by all the messages and support I got on the day and subsequent to it. And, did you know, graduation can result in gifts!? I did not expect that at all, but was very excited about them nonetheless! 

For those of you that are wondering if the pain and torture is worth it... (I am not going to mention the physical heart ache I felt when handing back the cloak and having to acknowledge that I am no longer a UCT student) I have to say that it is. (Well, graduation day is - I am currently unemployed, so in the bigger picture I am not sure whether or not it was). Yes, it is cheesy and old-fashioned and only a single day after years of PhD stress, but I was so thrilled to be there. I would possibly have worn that red cape (and even that silly pouffy hat) everyday for a year

if I didn't have to give it back. So do it - submit - and go to your graduation!

Of course, now to find a job.... 

Then and Now!