Winter Blues

Winter Sunshine on Kirstenbosch's Boomslang

So, if you know me even a tiny bit you will know that I am not a fan of Winter... not even a tiny bit. Friends of mine have been trying to convince me that there are good things about the change in season, and while I remain unconvinced, I have decided to embrace optimism and positive thinking in the hope that it will get me through the next couple of months. (This is largely to make me feel better about the fact that I am in Winter while so many of my friends are jetting North and missing part of this season while I have a temporary job OUTSIDE for the next two months!) 

Winter in Cape Town is cold, wet and windy so people are less likely to brave the out doors for eating out. This means, Winter specials! Some years are better than others, and some of my favourite specials don't seem to be running any more but a quick Google search did find some hope for the bank account of the PhD student...(You have to sift through the "classy" specials of course) (Check out GetAway site or Cape Town Magazine or Food24)

The best Winter days don't feel like Winter at all! 

There are pubs, with fire places and cozy spots to drink rich, complex red wines, or cheap red wines that have been jazzed up with spices and gently heated to make yummy mulled wine. You can also feel a little less guilty about the chocolate you snuck in on Friday afternoon because no one can tell what your body looks like under all those clothes (not a complete truth because, Summer will come...) It is the perfect season to curl up with a book under the blankets (although not while writing a PhD) or snuggle up with someone in front of a movie (although not helpful when you are single). OK, those weren't good ones. But, there is tea, Old Brown Sherry, fires, hot baths that make your toes tingle, boots, hot chocolate, unexpected sunshine and appreciating warm days so much more (and thinking 20 degrees C is warm!) and, once every four years, the Football World Cup! 

Best of all, the Winter solstice has come and gone, so now the days will get longer and SUMMER IS COMING.... 

Head up!

One of the things I marvel at in life, is the way different people perceive their value. I'm fully aware that I lack a certain assertiveness (depending on the environment - I have been known to boss people around, just a little... ) and I am actively working on it (just ask the poor people at Pick 'n Pay customer service) although I often tend to feel guilty when I make a fuss... (which I only ever do in a polite way, of course). 

I marvel at people that have an innate sense of their personal worth, who don't feel the need to apologise for taking up floor space or having an opinion (damn that involuntary blush!) or using up someone's time. I marvel that there are people, friends of mine, that don't understand if I feel guilty if I dither in a queue, or that I inevitably rush my doctors appointments because I am concerned I have trespassed too long on their time (despite paying a hefty sum for that time). I wonder how many people in the Business Sciences feel the same way... 

Of course, none of this really matters in a day to day world because I am quite good at faking assertiveness from time to time, but it all comes to a head when I am looking for jobs... I read the requirements and can instantly despair at all the requirements I do not meet where as other people, presumably, don't let that begin to concern them. I'm stumped before I start. I recently put forward a reference for myself (that the actual referee will hopefully edit and approve) and found it to be one of the most difficult tasks I had to do that week (and that's AFTER Googling "how to write a reference"). 

I remember reading  somewhere (in some reliable peer-reviewed resource like the Cosmopolitan Magazine) that men are more likely to apply for jobs for which they don't meet all the criteria than women and are therefore (obviously) more likely to get the position. Although I think that making it a gender issue over-simplifies things because I know women that believe that the things will just work out for them for no other reason than they deserve it, and sometimes (crucially not always) it does, and sometimes (again, not always) they do deserve it. 

I have mentioned that I am a compulsive volunteer, so I am so used to working for free, that the whole concept of being paid seems a huge bonus that I am excessively grateful for, even though I do, in fact, deserve it. And because I am currently unemployed (well, other than that short-term contract I started today and the PhD I am writing up) I am struggling to force myself to not apply for the positions that are offering a salary that would barely cover rent, even though it is more than I am being paid at the moment, I have decided that my time is worth something, with or without the PhD. (Please please please don't let that mean I am unemployed for ever!) 

So, as we move from eternal post-grad students, to real adults, how do we define our worth? As desperate as I am for a job in my field, I don't want to be taken advantage of. I acknowledge my lack of work experience, but hope that my qualifications count for something. I see the scarcity of jobs and hear about the science funding cuts around the world, but don't want to get stuck somewhere where I am undervalued. How do we find balance between job security and meaningfully contributing to society/conservation (because obviously I am not doing this just for money, otherwise I would have studied something in the Commerce faculty but I do need to start saving for a pension - eekkk* terrifying thought)? '

How do the timid PhD survivors, with their self esteem in tatters post-PhD, define themselves in the real world? Or is that what post-docs are for?

*How is that the first "eeekk" in my blog about surviving a PhD?

The weird things we do for...

Money! 

Of course! I am a post graduate student and have been for so long that I am likely to scratch your eyes out if you ask me how long (OK, I won't actually scratch your eyes out, but I might want to, and isn't that just as bad? So, Rather don't ask!) The one thing that most post grads have in common is a lack of money. (Unless they are really lucky and have awesome funding). We also have flexible schedules (I have discussed what this actually means) which means that we can squeeze random extra work in and make it up late at night or on the weekend, and, because we don't have any money, we are willing to do so! 

I have worked some weird jobs over the years. And, since I am hoping to start another (short-term but full-time) job (oh yes, I will be finishing my PhD late at night and on the weekends) shortly I thought I would reminisce and (probably) make you feel better about whatever work you are moaning about now. (There were some things that I did really enjoy, but I suspect they would still seem a little bizarre to non-biologists). 

Most bizarre: 

In undergrad I spent 100 hours sorting worms (and other invertebrates, but mostly worms) from Lake Victoria for a post grad that I can't even remember the name of. The worms were stored in Formalin, and to this day I believe that, after that work, my hands get wrinkled in water quicker than they did before. The money did help pay for a trip to the UK back in the day when you could fly there and back for ~R5000. 

Worst:

I can't think about work without thinking about how awful this job was and not just because it had nothing to do with biology. When a new shopping centre in Cape Town's northern suburbs opened up, they hired students to wear red overalls and be on hand to show people around or tell people where everything was. I was one of those red overalls. I know this doesn't seem particularly awful, does it? Shifts were 12 hours long, and we were paid (I think only just but possibly a little below) minimum wage. We weren't allowed to sit, or lean against the wall on threat of being fired. The centre turned people crazy and they took it out on the red overalls, swearing, being generally rude and one girl actually had someone kick her when the lift went down instead of up. It was chaos! Needless to say I have never been back to that shopping centre, nor have I worked for those "student recruiting" organisations again - although handed out fliers at traffic lights wasn't too bad and I was proposed to by a random while do a Clicks promotion. 

What I would actually do for free:

I could easily have a post that lists the things that I have done for free, I am a compulsive volunteer, but thankfully this is something I get paid for but still feel passionate about: promoting the Marine Stewardship Council (MSC). Although on a school day morning at the aquarium with children every where shouting and singing (you know what children are like when they are having fun - dreadful! - kidding!) I am pleased I get paid. It gets tiresome saying the word "sustainable" over and over again but it is an important word to say. I also love the fact that something like the MSC or SASSI program puts the power in the hand of the consumer to choose to buy sustainably and therefore encourage more fisheries to be responsible. I look really awful in this video but this is the message (I had no warning that someone was going to film me, I was pretty horrified). Incidentally, I tried to volunteer for SASSI when they first started up, but it didn't work out and it remains in my top 3 dream places to work.

What I would most recommend:

And actually what I am doing now: housesitting. You can work on the PhD while getting paid a little for looking after a house. Perfect. And, if there is a lovely kitty to sit on your lap while you drink tea in the really cold weather, or a sweet little dog to take on walks on sunny days, even better. The downside is that you don't have your stuff easily accessible and I worry a little about my own home so tend to go check up on it from time to time, and houses are colder than flats but otherwise it is good, and a change in scenery is as good as a holiday, right?

What has helped me survive with no funding for 18 months:

A friend was doing pretty intensive field work on mussels, and without that money I would have been eating two-minute noodles for the last two years. We had to install cages on the rocky shore (diesel generator and drilling into rocks between waves - pretty exciting stuff), check the cages and cleared patches (between waves, also exciting), and finally remove the cages (rusted screws - fun!) But actually it was really lovely to be on the rocky shore doing hands on experimental biology on a beautiful shore and working with friends is always a good thing. But I have mentioned this work before.






The other fairly constant supply of money has been from demonstrating for the second year practical sessions. The added bonus with that is I find I probably learn more than they do because I don't need to know it for exams, I just find it interesting. I really enjoy the interaction with the second years; sitting in an office working at a computer can get lonely and I love their (some of them, anyway) optimism and enthusiasm for science (before the PhD cynicism kicks in, these kids still think they can change the world). 

(PS my awesome family and friends have helped me out in so many ways that I would never have managed over the last 18 months without them!!!)

Lastly, my favourite:

Last year, I worked for a marine consulting group in Cape Town on a short term contract. For once I felt like the work I was doing was real and important. It felt like a useful project and I loved the applied nature of it. There was a whole different way of writing that it took me some to get used to but it was interesting and challenging and frustrating and I loved that for a little while I felt like I wasn't just a student doing odd jobs to have money for food (and, let's be honest, wine...) There was also a lot of weird bureaucracy so that's why I am not mentioning the name of the company or the details of the work. 

crunching the numbers

Happy Day #3
In Simonstown
visiting my fabulous,
dolphin-friendly friend (who
doesn't read my blog so I won't
bother saying nice things about her :))

Earlier this year one of my friends posted something on their Facebook page about doing a 100 hundred happy day challenge. Given my personal PhD frustration and general 'meh' feeling I decided that looking for something to make you happy every day for a hundred days is a challenge I could do with in my life. (I mentioned it in January). So, I signed up at the official webpage and embarked on my 100 hundred happy days journey. This involved me taking a photo (a poor-quality, Blackberry photo) of something that made me happy every day (bar one when I was so happy I forgot to take a photo) and posting them to my Facebook page for 100 (or 99) days with the #100happydays tag.  And now it is over, well actually it has been over for a little while but now I thought I would talk about it a little more... because it is Winter and cold and I need to be reminded that I still need to look for happy thoughts every day! My blog post was one of my #100HD moments, and now my blog post is about #100HD experience.

Happy Day #16 wine tasting with L and the Italian navy...
OK not all of the navy, just a couple of couch surfers.

First off, it was actually quite difficult to find something, at least a little different, that made me happy everyday for 100 days. There were days when I wasn't happy, not even necessarily sad, just not happy either. There were days when there were so many awesome things happening I couldn't decide what to take a photo of. And there were things that made me happy that I couldn't take a photo of. And of course there were days when I didn't think of it until 11 pm at night when I was already safely tucked into bed. I also started to feel like I was spamming the world with random pictures of glasses of wine, but, then I sign up for a challenge I want to finish it!

Happy Day #31 in the lovely KZN
with the equally lovely L and my
amazing parentals! 

Now that it has been over for more than a month, I find myself missing the challenge a little. I have had friends repeatedly ask if what ever we were doing at the time would be my #100 happy day moment so maybe they miss it too, although those Blackberry photos are really annoying. I also found that because I was bored of trying so hard to find something to be happy about every day, during the challenge I made an effort to go do things so I didn't have to post another picture of a cup of tea. Of course, I did this challenge in Summer, if I were to do it now, my pictures would all be of my hot water bottle bear or my blanket or the cat curled up on my lap while I write this (I am not on campus) or fabulous 'S' who gave me a lift to my car so that I didn't get drenched by rain twice in a day... or tea... still.





During the challenge I tried to be real and genuine in my moments, I don't think the challenge is about bragging about how stunning your town is, but of course, my town is stunning so that snuck in a little with or without intention... So, below, the break down of what made me happy for 100 days earlier this year. The categories are fairly broad and (for instance) "Food" doesn't give justice to many awesome evenings, out or at home with some amazing people. "Music" refers specifically to live music events, "Sport" to pilates or watching live sport and "Art" refers mostly to various awesome works my very talented mom has created for me but also includes cheesy pictures of my TYPO calender, "Alcohol" pretty much means wine and I stopped using wine as my #100HD moments when I got embarrassed by how often it came up (and that is despite the fact that I wasn't drinking for the first ~20 days of the challenge)!

Uvongo Beach happy day hashtag

A frequent Happy Day theme... 

I have to admit that I found actively seeking happiness actually lead to a little increase in happiness in my life. And I appreciated the daily challenge. Of course for every couple of happy thoughts I could have substituted a sarcastic or snide moment, but I resisted and was happier for it. The official website suggests that people who have completed the challenge have reported being happier every day, being more optimistic and receiving more compliments (can't say I noticed that). It also says that people fell in love during the challenge... so maybe I should do it for another 100 days... They do say that you can get a 100 happy day book at the end, which I didn't (because I am cheap and they are poor quality photos), but it was worth it for all the happy memories that can keep me warm through the Winter months! Although I think tea will help too...

Are you up for the challenge???