Whine without accompaniment of wine or excuse of last night's wine

There are some over-used cliches that are still appropriate. I have always been my own worst critic. In that typical way of so many women out there, I could list my faults quicker than my virtues, it's not something I like about myself (and would probably list it as one of those faults). The reason I bring this up though is because I'm finding this last push for the PhD very difficult. Heart-on-sleeve, I've lost faith in it all working out, for a number of reasons. Or maybe I am just tired at the moment and will be all bounce and enthusiasm again tomorrow.  

Looking across towards Hout Bay

I've seen people hand in, and comment that they felt lighter and happier having handed in. When I handed in, I felt doubt and anxiety (and a certain amount of happiness to be driving to Namibia the next day to spend a month with some awesome people studying dolphins). And, to be honest, I knew that there were issues with my sample sizes and uncertain results. I hoped that my amateur attempts at genetics weren't glaringly obvious, and that I'd get away with it. I wasn't entirely surprised I didn't, although I'm not sure why I had to wait anxiously for four months before I found out (they shouldn't draw out that kind of torment)!!

I did regroup, I've worked hard on trying to fix things up. I've sought help externally and have learnt a lot (including that some people in academics are amazingly kind and generous with their time, even harassed post docs). I've tried to get to grips with a whole new field, microchemisty, and turn my hesitant sentences into positive statements. I've spent an extra year of an already too large portion of my life trying to duct-tape the holes in my thesis.

The view from UCT parking lot

But, I'm feeling lost. I am feeling tired. And I am feeling a little let down. I know I've over-stayed my welcome and my project isn't that useful, far from sexy or even conclusive, but I still feel let down by academia, the system and my (amazing, intelligent, kind, incredibly busy and important that I would not want to say anything bad about) supervisors. I haven't heard from the one since they sent me comments on one (!!) Of my chapters the day before I was to hand in last April. I haven't had feedback on the 4 completed chapters I've sent to one of my other supervisors this year and haven't managed to be able to meet with them about the chapter I'm stumbling over, and I started stumbling months ago. And part of the problem now manifests in me not being as diligent as I should because I have lost confidence and I am feeling lost. (This works in a "oops, I sneezed... Can't work now, must be getting sick, will nap and work tomorrow" way). The trouble is, I feel guilty that I'm not out of their hair, off their to-do list, but I also don't think I can get through this second examination without their help.

I have also not had funding in 2013 or 2014 (although I did get some money when I found out my result which helped stop me having to dig for coins in the bottom of my bank account or, worse, get bailed out by my family - which I've subsequently resorted to again, to pay my 2014 fees). So I've been doing all sorts of things, that aren't my PhD. And I can't help comparing the encouragement/opportunities colleagues have had, even down to the PC they use to, my own world. And wonder if it's because I am subtly being shown the door out of this world. Things are tough, for everyone, I know, and it always looks rosier from the outside.

I really do appreciate that people have been kind and generous with their support and offers of help (from penguinologists, plantologists, fishologists, normal people and family). I'm the chubby teenager that needs constant reassurance. But, I'm still tired of being a cause for sympathy and constantly having to explain why I don't have my PhD, yet, so what happens if I don't get it at all? This, this, is all I have ever wanted to do... I don't have a back up plan... Any suggestions are welcome...

This isn't where I thought I would be now, but
on a sunny day, it isn't a bad place to be!

Basically, this isn't where I thought I would be in my life by now. Although I suspect that this is the case for many people in unpredictable life. I'm sad for the loss of the girl I thought I would be (in my very careful, control-mad plan for my life) but maybe there'll be something better about the woman I am to become because of all of this. I guess we'll just have to wait and see who that is...