PhD Singleton

I have had the thought of writing this blog for a very long time but for some completely inexplicable reason I feel more vulnerable and exposed writing about being single than I do writing about being brokenhearted (which took up two blog posts) or having to re-write my PhD or even losing someone I love. But, since Valentine's Day is coming up - and I already did one of those optimistic blogs about all the things I love last year - I thought I would actually talk about being single and doing a PhD (after all, I am no longer even doing a PhD so that half of the equation is in the past). I am quite content being single, but is my reluctance to write about it because I perceive there to be a stigma associated with being over thirty and single? I hope not... Although I do like that I can put "Dr" instead of "Miss" on forms now. 

I actually got the idea from the PHD COMICS Facebook page (You all know I love PHD COMICS - I mentioned it in the optimistic Valentine's Day post last year). The topic they were discussing was: 

"What is your experience being single in grad school? Tell us your stories." 

There were plenty of responses along this line: 

"Find someone before starting, otherwise end up as the unemployed overeducated catlady." 

But I really liked this comment most:

"My daughter may not have an m.r.s. but she'll have a Ph.D., and that lasts forever."

Of course liking that line doesn't mean that I want to be single forever either - and saying that doesn't mean that I will judge the success of my life based on whether or not I get married. 

In the first part of my PhD I did actually have a boyfriend, and quite a serious one at that. When we broke up it took a while to get over him and so for a while I wasn't interested in looking for anything else. Funny thing though, when I was over him, I actually still wasn't interested in looking for anyone else. Doing a PhD takes up a lot of time, and so I was grateful that I didn't have the extra distraction of wanting to spend time with a boyfriend (does that make me sound terrible?) I enjoyed having my free time to myself or to spend with my friends. I was pleased that if I was working late or on the weekend I wasn't resenting the work as time away from the boyfriend (which is what happened when I was in a relationship).  

I am quite an independent person and enjoy being the sole dictator of how I spend my time (and I have mentioned before, I am glad to not have to watch hockey games on cold Winter evenings anymore - not that I didn't want to do it at the time). I also find that I need time alone to stay sane (which is possible in a relationship too, of course). I also like that because I am single I make decisions about my future (geographically speaking) that are purely selfish. So, I am a pretty happy singleton at any time but I want to be honest. While I was doing my PhD I didn't have head space to meet someone new. I didn't have time. I didn't have the inclination. I didn't actually even go out to places where meeting someone would be a possibility. I was grateful that my PhD could come first in my life - even if it drove me a little bit crazy (and it probably didn't come as first in my life as it should have, I do love spending time with my friends). I suspect, that might be true for a lot of PhDers. If this is making you - as a current single PhDers - feel sad, I know of some friends that did manage to meet new people during the course of their PhD so don't lose hope. And here is further reason for hope... one day... even though it is very hard to believe... you will finish your PhD and LIFE will carry on. Isn't that an amazing thought. I am still not sure if I believe I am done (although I do have the mug to prove it).

Great gift!!!

And while finishing your PhD might not mean that you have loads of extra time (because of course you will find a job or get a post doc that keeps you busy - see, I am all about hope) it will hopefully mean that you can allow something else to come first in your life. For me, right now, I think what should be coming first in my life is me... I am enjoying having the time to go to yoga and go for walks (with the JHB dogs) and read lots and lots of books. After all, I hopefully will soon be very busy learning the ropes at a new job/post doc. As far as relationships go... well I would rather first know where I will be in the next 6 months, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see... 

I think one of the reasons that I was hesitant to write this blog is because while I am single, it is not how I define myself. I have always felt it frustrating when listening to people that are just so desperate to be in a couple that it is their primary focus (also those "I wish I had a boyfriend" conversations get a little bit boring). I believe that what you achieve in the world should be how you define yourself, not whether or not you are married. I also felt frustrated when people do the Bridget Jones "when are you going to get married then?" thing because I feel that there is so much more happening in my life. Still, Valentine's Day is the one day of a year when it is inevitable to be defined be your relationship status. BUT Valentine's Day also means the end of my alcohol free month - got to love that - so Happy Valentines Day indeed!