Looking back

The end of 2014 was a pretty busy time, what with having to watch all (but one - which I frustratingly forgot to bring on holiday) the Harry Potter movies (You should have guessed I am a fan and there is a study that shows that reading the Harry Potter novels made young people less xenophobic so I am not even going to be embarrassed by my fandom)... One of my friends suggested that binge watching Harry Potter movies was a perfectly reasonable way for people in their thirties to spend New Years Eve. 

OK, OK, and there was that whole graduation thing (which was totally Harry Potter-esque). So let me catch you up... 

My two PhD campuses:
University of Cape Town and
University of Pretoria (still intact)

While walking to the (what I thought would be cringey lunch) I couldn't help thinking that the arches of SMUTS residents are wasted on 18-year-old first years who are probably too young to have watched Harry Potter. The Smuts dining hall is lovely, and even if the first years have watched Harry Potter, I am sure they wouldn't recognise the crests of the four provinces of "Old South Africa" that adorn the stain glass windows.  The quad area is also fabulous. I felt sad that I had spent my first year in an ugly pink, spiral building at the bottom of the hill (Tugwell).

The lunch wasn't at all cringey. My main supervisor was also invited and it was really nice to sit with her and not talk about my thesis. (She did ask another PhD student at the table how long it had taken him and I couldn't help nudging her and telling her that it and "what are you doing next" are rude questions. He said it is the equivalent of asking "how old are you?" and "how much do you weigh?")  The food was delicious and it was a fabulous cheap thrill to have to stand up and bob my head (blushing furiously) when they called my name (every PhD got to stand up and bob - although the extroverted ones waved or bowed and didn't blush at all). It was also really great to have some friends graduating at the same time as me, so it was even more fun than expected to go collect our RED CAPES and try on the silly pouffy hats. 

Go on, you know you
can picture this in
Hogwarts... 

And then... I fell in love... 

When I graduated in 2003, I looked admiringly at the PhDs in their red capes and right there I decided I had to be one of them one day. Admittedly, an outfit - not matter how awesome - is probably not a good enough reason to do a PhD, but once I had that cape in my hands, I didn't want to ever give it back. 

blurry with excitement...
but that's pretty much the grin that
was plastered on my face all afternoon

So, we all know graduations are boring, you just have to sit and listen to a bunch of names that don't mean anything to you (although I have been a demonstrator for some of the BScs) waiting for the two seconds when you go up and spend the whole time concentrating so hard on not stuffing up that it all passes in a bit of a blur. However, even knowing and anticipating that (it is not my first graduation, you know) I spent the whole time grinning like a crazy person. We had awesome front row seats so lots of opportunity to comment on the ridiculous heels some people were wearing (no tripping, but there was one very close call) and I was right in front of our department's very lovely HOD. I am pretty sure she noticed me grinning like a crazy person, but I was really very happy to be there. 

The quality of the paper appears to
be related to the degree you are getting.

It was also really fantastic to have my folks down in Cape Town for a bit of a holiday and wine drinking. We went to Kirstenbosch's magical Carols by Glow stick. We celebrated at a lovely new restaurant in Harfield Village that serves responsible, seasonal and sustainable food - Graze - and let us drink lots of our own wine without charging corkage (this was because they are still waiting for their liquor licence so was a time-limited bonus). We also explored "The Spice Route" which isn't a route as such, but one place with loads of exciting things to do (wine tasting, chocolate tasting, beer tasting and delicious food at the restaurants). But, even if all we had done was go to graduation, it was lovely to share this huge moment with two of the people that made it possible, were forever supportive, generous and patient and never put pressure on me. I am, and always will be, so grateful to my amazing parents. 

I was also humbled (AGAIN - gosh this PhD thing is very humbling) by all the messages and support I got on the day and subsequent to it. And, did you know, graduation can result in gifts!? I did not expect that at all, but was very excited about them nonetheless! 

For those of you that are wondering if the pain and torture is worth it... (I am not going to mention the physical heart ache I felt when handing back the cloak and having to acknowledge that I am no longer a UCT student) I have to say that it is. (Well, graduation day is - I am currently unemployed, so in the bigger picture I am not sure whether or not it was). Yes, it is cheesy and old-fashioned and only a single day after years of PhD stress, but I was so thrilled to be there. I would possibly have worn that red cape (and even that silly pouffy hat) everyday for a year

if I didn't have to give it back. So do it - submit - and go to your graduation!

Of course, now to find a job.... 

Then and Now!

UCTutionalised

This Friday was our departmental end of year party. I imagine it will be my last departmental party at UCT, certainly with the faces that I've come to know so well. 

December 2003 Grad

I couldn't help remembering my first departmental end of year party, 10 years ago. As honours students, we were finally invited to the grown up table, but still unsure about ourselves and our place in the department, we clung together like limpets. That particular year we had karaoke and our class (in those days, honours class was small, I think there were 11 of us) huddled around the two mikes and sang "Hotel California" to the cheesy karaoke music video... Warm fuzzy memories of one of the best years of my life spent with some of my favourite people.

The end of year party also happened to be at the tennis club, which is where I had my 21st many years ago. My indulgent parents spoiled me as always, and it was a magical, emotional event. I actually had my 21st more than 2 months before I turned 21 so it would be before everyone disappeared to new lives, after we graduated. I guess this is a recurring theme in academia, you are expected to graduate and move on, which means graduation itself is somewhat bitter-sweet. (I am THRILLED that I am graduating this year though - I am so over trying to not feel bitter at this time of the year when all the smartly dressed graduates flock to campus with their proud parents!)

If a random person were to ask me how long I've been at UCT I'd mumble "100yrs" to avoid having to explain that it took longer than it should have, but you all know that already. So I can tell you that I started at UCT as a 17yr wide-eyed terrified kid in 2001 and I haven't left since. And, despite the fact that I was terrified when my parents dropped me off outside that revolting Tugwell building, being at UCT has been one of the greatest privileges of my life. 

I've said it before, but I love UCT. I love the ivy that changes the colour of the walls through the seasons, I love that the air vents are UCT crests. I love the view from upper campus and I love my office.

I have such huge respect and love for the people within the department. Getting a high 5 from George Branch is literally more exciting to me than speaking to the lead singer of a band I enjoy (Beatenberg - SA band, they're good, and in my only groupie-esque moment in my life EVER (other than following Brothers Streep and various Marvel movie actors on FB) I told them they were awesome after a concert this week.) I guess going from being a shy, never-talk-up-in class girl in undergrad to actually being able to sit and chat to these brilliant people in a casual social environment is something I'll always appreciate...

So this year's end of year function is bitter-sweet for me. I know a new stage of my life is upon me, and I'm sure it'll be exciting, challenging and with a new set of lovely people for me to respect and care about, but not getting to go to another end of year party with all those familiar faces is without a doubt something I'll miss... As much as I'll miss tea time and my gorgeous office and my lovely UCT friends. 

x + UCT = Δx

Thank fully not catching these 

Can the university you go to influence the person you are.... 
One of my crab colleagues is passionately anti-UCT (she's a UWC graduate). She says that UCT students think they are better than everyone else, that they start to use English instead of their home languages (even when they are talking to people of the same home language).  She added that even though they were promised that if you went to UCT you would definitely get a job (news to me!) yet she knows of UCT graduates that still don't have work - so UCT isn't "all that" after all. (She did add that she was pleasantly surprised to find that I was nice despite being a UCT graduate). 

For my part, I love UCT, it's history, its reputation. I decided (in all my 17 year old naivety) to go to UCT based on its reputation of having the best marine biology research center in the country (I am not sure if this is still true and it does not belittle the awesome work that is coming out of other institutions - I was 17 what did I know! - but I do count myself lucky to have been taught and supervised by some South African marine science legends - again, my opinion). 

This got me thinking about how I have changed since my 17 year old self stared, overwhelmed, as my folks drove away from me, leaving me at Tugwell alone, wondering if I had just made the biggest mistake in my little life... (I remember this feeling very distinctly, I remember feeling small and very very alone, and desperately wanting to shout to them to come back and take me home with them).  Now it is many, MANY years later (truly it isn't polite to ask how many) and, with my days at UCT being numbered, I can't imagine being anywhere else (this is self-evident given that all of my "leave" days from crab-catching have been spent at my UCT office, other than the one that was the science expo - my defense is that there is internet here).  

So, how have I changed... well, for one thing, I am unfortunately not as thin as I was back then, which is a shame, but I like to think that I like and appreciate my body more despite this. Sadly it doesn't necessarily mean I look after it better, there are still tins of sweetcorn in my cupboard and my fridge has wine in it more often than food. It does mean that I care more about the person that I am than what I look like - which is an important improvement but more likely to do with no longer being 17 than being at UCT. 

I do remember that when I first came to Cape Town I thought Capetonians had quite strong accents (I don't mean Hout Bay Harbour accents but it was either really posh "hot potato"/English colonialist accents or lazy surfers drawl). I don't notice this anymore (now that I think about it) which possibly means I have also picked up some Capetonian in my accent (in fact, people frequently comment on my accent and I generally tell them it is a JHB slowed down to Cape Town pace - unless I have wine, then it is hot potato city in an attempt to not slur! Or maybe I just talking funny!!) 

I find it difficult to identify other changes that are from having been to UCT as opposed to no longer being 17. (Besides knowing more about penguins and fish and intertidal critters) I consider myself to be open minded and liberal - but I think that was true when I was 17, if a little less defined. I do not consider myself to be a UCT snob, despite being proud of having been at UCT (is that contradictory?)  Of course there are times, (RECENTLY) that UCT has annoyed me dreadfully, and I have been very angry with it for some of their decisions/policies. I have wondered how things would be different if I had been to other institutions (I considered Rhodes at both Honours and Masters - and was really impressed with how quickly they responded when UCT admin left us hanging until the last minute which was part of the reason I was very tempted to go there.)  I have listened to friends gush about their post graduate experiences at other institutions and seen how they have changed in subtle ways from when they were at UCT.

  

We have pretty cool lawns close by,  but not on campus really
Also,  I am not sure why lawns are so important to me... hm

I have never been to another University, so it is difficult to have an outsiders perspective (well.... there was that time up in Pretoria, but I never really integrated with the UP culture, despite appreciating their lovely lawn (that no one else seemed to wiggled their toes in) and the very convenient and cheap Oom Gert's). I would be interested to hear your perspective, particularly if you have been to other Universities in addition to UCT   

Ultimately, I guess, any where you are is going to be as awesome or awful as you make it. If I could do everything over again, I wouldn't change anything, so that must be a good thing, right... Well... I wouldn't mind being the same weight I was when I was 17! 

(How nerdy is my title??)

Acknowledgements

My (very professional) thank you card

Hands down, this was my favourite part of my thesis writing. 
My official acknowledgements had to include a lot of official thank-yous about funding and was only slightly self indulgent. My fabulous sister wisely told me to reign in some of the gushing, but this is prime cheese territory and a totally self indulgent blog. 

You can not do a PhD alone, obviously, your supervisors are critical (even though they sometimes ignore you completely) but that's not what I am talking about (nor am I at all bitter - can you tell :) and at least I had three supervisors.)

Given that this is a blog about how to survive a PhD - let's be clear - I would not have survived (or at least finished the thing - twice) without my support network. Without a doubt all my family and friends kept me sane or at least made allowances for my insanity. They have made sure I would eat real food when funding was low or when I was just too busy to deal with that myself, and they did it without making me feel bad, they would just subtly invite me (frequently!) to dinner or donate their excess Harvest of Hope (a cool initiative) veggies to me. And one special person put together an especially fabulous care package of food to get me through printing and final edits on the day before thesis hand-in #1!

Yes, I took the cable car!!

My friends have also patiently guided me through statistics and R (even late at night in the last minute) or avoided their own (substantial) piles of work helping me figure out elliptical Fourier analysis (which I feel awful about because I didn't end up putting it in the thesis) and elephant-eating theory. They have read chapters and pretended that my topic was interesting when I blabbed on about it incessantly. And on the flip side of that, they avoided talking about too, which is sometimes also required and appreciated. They have given me hugs and not judged me for my ugly cries and forgiven me for missing out many social activities in the frequent (recurring) PhD lock-down periods. 

If you want to survive your PhD, don't take these gems in your life for granted, and I hope that all of my friends know how much I appreciate them. If you are new in town when you are starting your PhD, I really recommend that you are brave and put yourself out there. There is at least one nerdy friendly person in each department that will invite you to social gatherings where you can meet people. 

Hopefully your department has communal tea time or social gatherings (particularly useful if there is free wine), or if not, suggest it (frequently - or offer to organise it and then people will definitely get to know you!) I hate having to mingle and make small talk, but trust me, you will be grateful that you have friends to do crazy things like offer to read chapters or listen to your rants or get you out of your office and computer-hunched posture by suggesting a random walk to the other end of campus and back. They will also make sure that you are alive and haven't been eaten by Alsatians if you haven't been in the office a couple of days or will send you home if you haven't left the office in a couple of days. 

I am not going to even mention how awesome and supportive and generous and wonderful my family are (because obviously I have the best family in the world) but I am going to say (again) that when I handed in my PhD, I was just overwhelmed by the number of people that sent me well-wishes. I realised how many people were supporting me and it kind of made all the work worth it... almost... the red cape will do the rest!!! :) 

Happy Dance

I'm not going to lie, I was expecting the worst. I was picturing how I'd have to spend years explaining that, no, in fact, I do not have a PhD. I was trying to imagine how to put a positive spin on it in my CV. I've even had whiny conversations about: "what if" to which my sister replied "you won't be the first person in the world not to get their PhD". This is true. And I know that the people that love me, would love me the same amount with or without a PhD after my name, and I would after all still have an MSc, and those that know me, know I worked hard and no one can take that away from me...

And then, on the lucky 7th of October, I got an email that meant I wouldn't have to delete myself from social media and become a hermit in some cold country where no one would think to look for me! (Because even when you know that people will still love you, the sympathetic head tilts can still make you want to run away). 

I got my PhD!!!!!!

To set the scene: We had just finishing the first haul of the crab trap for the day, and I checked my phone for the time and saw that there was email. It was from the DDB (who should really write happy emails in pink and rainbows not with big bold bits highlighted in red as though I am in trouble!) I literally folded on to the side of the jetty and when my colleague asked how the catch had been I started to cry! I sent a Whatsapp to my family and my mom called in tears, and then my sister called in tears, and then I posted it to Facebook and had this sudden attack of doubt - did I misunderstand the email? I sent it to my sister for confirmation and luckily I hadn't just embarrassed myself in a horribly public way! 

I've had such an overwhelming outpouring of love and support and tears and relief that I'm just, well, overwhelmed and a tiny bit shell shocked. I'm so grateful for how genuinely supportive so many people have been about my grumpiness, stress, wine and whining. You know who you are and you are rock stars of my heart - all of you!!! (An "acknowledgements" blog is in pipeline). My phone's battery has not been up to the challenge of coping with the messages, Facebook posts and phone calls. 

And soon, I will get to wear that silly pouffy hat and awesome red cape and the drink the bottle of fancy wine I have been saving "just in case" for far too long, and maybe I'll have to drink some bubbles while in a whimsical frame of mind because (with a few extra wrinkles)...

 I SURVIVED!!!!!!

(I do have some few corrections to make that have to be done before the 24th November so I can graduate on the 20th December this year - eekkkkkkk graduation excitement!!!!! - but I think they are totally manageable and actually there are only 5 things I have to change, 4 of which could be done in less than an hour. One is the slightly ridiculous typo of "tichness" instead of "richness" - one has to wonder how these typos sneak in)

PhewD

I feel like I haven't written a post in ages and have really missed the sympathetic glow of the blog webpage. (Lately the screen has been glaring at me with accusation and judgement... and in this last week it has been shining like a night light keeping me awake past the Cinderella hour). I have had lots of ideas about blogs I want to write, but (in an usually mature decision) the PhD came first. (Let's hope those ideas are still in there and haven't been brain bleached - 'brain bleached' is a term one of the Hout Bay team used, and I love it!!!) 

So, I currently have two copies (only two, because this is a resubmit it only goes back to the one examiner who didn't like it the first time - this does not seem a great strategy to me - and they keep one in the office "just in case") of my shiny PhD v.2.infinity sitting on the desk outside my office (my office, like my flat, my car and my hair, is a total mess - this has been driving me a little crazy in a low-level-simmering way, but if I didn't have time to write my blog I definitely didn't have time to tidy my world.) I am waiting for my saint-like supervisor to read my terse responses to the examiners comments and make them sound elegant. She's really very good at that, and she has also spent the last two days reading through my chapters "one last time". And she still has a smile for me today, she's amazing, but I will try not to gush!  

In fact, there are many amazing people in my world, so I fear that there will be some gushing. I will save that for another post, but it is just awesome, the number of people that called and sent me messages and well wishes, hugs and strength. My heart is swollen. If you can't tell, it is because I am really tired and so all emotion is hiding under a blanket pretending to sleep. (It feels like it has been a really long time since I have seen my friends in Cape Town, and I have really really missed them. I am so excited by the prospect of having a social life again, pretty please!!) 

So, hold thumbs for me, send happy thoughts to the one examiner who I REALLY REALLY hope is having a good day when he looks at it again and I shall post again soon. 

PS

Am I really the person that would write this sentence: "The ontogenetic effects of the incorporation of elements into the otolith is likely to vary among different species". It doesn't sound at all like something I would say and yet there it is in writing. Much of the PhD is like that, I look at it and wonder where it came from! 

Ramblings

I decided to give you a break from my PhD whining today and chat about what has been in my thoughts lately (what extra thoughts I have that are squished in between crab worries and PhD panics)...

"Bouncing here and there and everywhere,
high adventures that are beyond compare..."
I am going to have this song in my head for
rest of today, so maybe you should too! 

A couple of weeks ago, one of my friends mentioned that she had recently seen Maleficent and this lead on to a conversation about adaptations of stories. I mentioned Roald Dahl and his "Revolting Rhymes" and she has never heard of Roald Dahl. I have to say it again - she had never heard of Roald Dahl! I was astounded, but then again, she is German and probably has a whole different set of childhood treasures that I know nothing about. And even when I think of "Revolting Rhymes" I am generally thinking about my cousin dressed in a rock 'n roll skirt (layers of petticoat and, I think, neon pineapples on black material) jiving in my primary school's rendition of Roald Dahl's Cinderella (although not my primary school at the time because this was when I was about 4) which is a memory few people will have. This has me thinking about the early influences on our lives, and how I take for granted that everyone knows Gummi Bears, The Goonies, Roald Dahl or Enid Blyton. I can't imagine a childhood without the influence of the Secret Seven, or learning about the importance of protecting the environment from Captain Planet. To this day I can still "sing" the lyrics to the sound tracks from Captain Planet, Gummi Bears and even Pumpkin Patch (which caused trauma for me in my teenage life when I went to watch "Rocky Horror Picture Show" and Janet was played by the woman that used to be the sweet innocent presenter of Pumpkin Patch and was not so sweet and innocent any more - nothing like tainting childhood memories). 

Captain Planet, he's our Hero... 

When I was younger and still "clubbing" (before I put my dance moves away in the bottom drawer, only to be taken out at weddings), in the classy places that I frequented (Springboks/Tin Roof) they would inevitably play the theme from the Gummi Bears at some stage during the night. Does that still happen? Or are the undergrads of today bopping to the "Teletubbies" or "Barney" sound track - or some other show that didn't enter my world at all. And what will form the early sound track to the next generation (please not Barney). 

Never a huge fan of Rainbow
Brite, but I thought a 6 year
old would appreciate all the
cheerful colour! 

At the beginning of last year, I made a birthday invitation for my goddaughter using a picture of Rainbow Brite, my cousin told me that she loved the invitation, but obviously had no idea who Rainbow Brite was. It is possible that I am overly influenced by TV and books (anyone that has had a conversation with me will know that I am likely to mention 'How I Met Your Mother' at some stage), but what are the shows and books that influenced people that grew up in Germany, Argentina, Sweden and Armenia? What have I missed out on? I am really curious about how the media that we grow up with affects our perceptions in life. Or, maybe I am just feeling nostalgic for my youth and those carefree times when someone else paid for the food in the fridge...


(I have used "bopping", "jiving" and "clubbing" in this blog - am I already so middle aged?)