Stress

This is something everyone can relate to, I am sure. It is an all-pervasive condition of our world - at least as far as I can tell. I am guilty about stressing about things that aren't even real. For instance, I have been avoiding asking my supervisor for help because I can feel her rolling her eyes when I pop my head into her office - only, she isn't. I am just projecting the frustration I am feeling with myself on to her. She, meanwhile, considers my work a priority and told me I mustn't hesitate to ask her things. (She really is VERY nice, and says this despite being SUPER busy ALL the time.) One of the troubles with stress, is that we are all in our own heads so much, we start making up things to stress about, and since there are very real things to stress about, that seems a little bit like a silly thing to do. 

And personally, I have had long-lasting, physiological symptoms of stress, real ones - diagnosed by doctors, but besides that, there have also been various small things I have noticed about myself that have changed as a result of stress. (I noticed this particularly when I handed in the first time, although some of the symptoms are returning like old friends). Firstly, terrible memory, granted I have never had an awesome memory for details, but this is a kind of preoccupied single mindedness that isn't even necessarily thinking about my PhD but about how stressed I am about my PhD. This means that I can literally have a conversation with you and completely forget all details - or sometimes, even the fact that we had a conversation (sorry!). Here, and only in this instance, wine doesn't help! 

I was also more than usually scatter-brained. Once, I actually left the stove top on for hours - thank goodness everything was fine but please don't tell Eskom  - I am honestly usually very good about electricity. I also lost stuff. This seriously bothered me. I can tell you where my Grade 1 diary is right now. I am usually a really organised, neat person and I know where to find my stuff, but I lost things. And it worried me!!! 

Then there was the normal stuff, the self-involvement, the wanting to hide under the bed, the vaguely hysterical moments, wanting to eat chocolate, drinking wine (this does help)... you know, normal stress responses. This time, I am honestly just exhausted, which is annoying because I should be working late in to the nights but instead find I am sleepy by 9pm. And, when I do sleep, I am dreaming about giant chemical elements scrabble pieces that are aggressive in a way that scrabble pieces just shouldn't be. Last night I actually dreamt that a boy kissed me and then told me that he had lots going on and didn't want to get involved in anything - a 31 year old single girl does not need that happening to her in her dreams!! I have also dreamt that we were driving through a war-torn Mauritius and the bridges were made of corrugated iron... I am not sure where that dream came from - but R did a sterling job of driving L and I through the gun-wielding thugs!

The trouble is that when you are stressed - and it is causing real physiological or mental damage, what can you really do about it? It's not exactly helpful when the doctors  tell you "it's stress" because you can't actually switch that off, or quit like you would cigarettes. 

And I think that everyone responds differently, and coping mechanisms are a very personal thing. So, I write, and force myself to see beauty in the world - which isn't hard actually. It is one of the reasons why (even though I can't really justify the expense) I go to pilates (the other is because I spend all my time hunched over a PC and that does scary things to your body). It is also one of the reasons I go down to departmental tea to breath, and laugh with my colleagues and friends (and stand up from my desk). And, today is birthday tea, which means cake...

Thank goodness I don't have the added stress of kids, but I need to eat so "it is time to end this "for me too...