So long and thanks for all the... crabs... *

It was NOT always this sunny

Working in Hout Bay, the problems, (pollution, dog-fighting, poverty, poor-education, poaching, drugs, racism, over-fishing, violence... alien crabs) can make you feel overwhelmed but there is also so much kindness, people watching out for us and our equipment, smiles and friendly greetings, little girls who pick up litter and little boys who want to know everything about the crabs and minions who clap for you when you are awarded the PhD (at long last!)  

The dodgier side of Hout Bay. Not many tourists here, unless
they have just come from Snoekies. This is also where we had
the children visit us. 

As with everything, there were good and bad things about working in Hout Bay. For instance, I felt like I was being paid to read a fair chunk of the time, but I also had to do HOURS of unpaid overtime data capturing. I had to work in rain, crazy-wind, fog and cold, but that made me appreciate the soft sunshine even more. (Some of the days were ridiculously hot - and I have the bad tan lines to prove it.) I saw a tiny slip of a boy (about 6 - but I am bad at judging ages) tell a little girl that he was going to "put a foot through her face" (oooo I almost chucked him in the sea, but he was a slippery little thing which is probably a good thing) but I also saw a little girl teetering on the edge of the wharf trying to pick up a cigarette butt because: "the ocean is too beautiful to pollute, what about the sea animals?" and (just so you don't think it is a boy/girl difference) there was a little boy that would run across the parking lot to give me hugs when he caught sight of me.  

I loved the little blue, red and white boats, the way that water reflected off hulls in an infinite dance, the awesome shy sharks and unexpected beauty and variety of common klipvis. I loved that people that I would never normally even have the opportunity to engage with would stop and chat to me about the weather, the state of the oceans, the current crab catch totals. I loved learning not only about bycatch in the long-line and purse seine fisheries but about the different South African cultures' funeral and wedding practices. It was interesting to see how people perceived my culture, or UCT and what life was like outside the sheltered ivory tower.  

"No SPITING".... seriously, none of that! 

I didn't not love seeing little puppies and wondering if they are going to grow up to fight other little puppies. I didn't love see trolleys of dead sharks - freshly caught. I didn't like hearing (over and over) how the best thing for fisheries would be to kill the seals. I didn't like seeing so many seals with strings caught around their bodies, digging into their skins. I despaired over the amount of litter, oil and diesel (and unidentified effluents) floating on the surface of the water, and was particularly frustrated because of the 20-30 EPWP staff that were SUPPOSED to be cleaning up the litter in the harbour but mostly did nothing (once I saw them playing jump rope which can't be called "nothing" but definitely isn't working). I was frustrated by one of my nice, sweet minions saying he didn't want to do one of the jobs because it was "women's work" (Incidentally, he also said that it was impossible to be happy single and you can't make the world a better place. The only way your worth is determined is by how many grandchildren you have when you die.) 

There are things I will definitely miss about working in Hout Bay (including the minions), but I am pretty excited about clean clothes (and being able to wear skirts) and getting my car cleaned (this I am excited about in theory... I haven't actually done it yet.) I am ridiculously excited about seeing friends at work and having people to chat to because it can be a little lonely being the person that has to moan at everyone else when they don't do their work. I love that I can still use my BEAUTIFUL UCT office and have access to internet again.  I am pretty excited about doing work that requires my brain and does not require me to tell anyone else what to do. I am not going to miss killing crabs (but of course I will miss cuddling shy sharks and the baby crabs).

Next time, I visit I will be a "tourist", I wonder if the locals
will recognise me.... 

Hout Bay harbour, for all its problems, is a really beautiful place to be and I am grateful that I got to see a side of it that not many do, and, for a little while at least, get to be a part of the Hout Bay harbour community (without picking up the nasty catch phrases). Although, from now on, I will not respond to "miss crab", "crab lady" or any other crab-related jokes... 

So.... so long and thanks for all (28'000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) crabs, indeed....*

*A friend of mine (+Monica Lewis) suggested this line, apologies to Douglas Adams.  

x + UCT = Δx

Thank fully not catching these 

Can the university you go to influence the person you are.... 
One of my crab colleagues is passionately anti-UCT (she's a UWC graduate). She says that UCT students think they are better than everyone else, that they start to use English instead of their home languages (even when they are talking to people of the same home language).  She added that even though they were promised that if you went to UCT you would definitely get a job (news to me!) yet she knows of UCT graduates that still don't have work - so UCT isn't "all that" after all. (She did add that she was pleasantly surprised to find that I was nice despite being a UCT graduate). 

For my part, I love UCT, it's history, its reputation. I decided (in all my 17 year old naivety) to go to UCT based on its reputation of having the best marine biology research center in the country (I am not sure if this is still true and it does not belittle the awesome work that is coming out of other institutions - I was 17 what did I know! - but I do count myself lucky to have been taught and supervised by some South African marine science legends - again, my opinion). 

This got me thinking about how I have changed since my 17 year old self stared, overwhelmed, as my folks drove away from me, leaving me at Tugwell alone, wondering if I had just made the biggest mistake in my little life... (I remember this feeling very distinctly, I remember feeling small and very very alone, and desperately wanting to shout to them to come back and take me home with them).  Now it is many, MANY years later (truly it isn't polite to ask how many) and, with my days at UCT being numbered, I can't imagine being anywhere else (this is self-evident given that all of my "leave" days from crab-catching have been spent at my UCT office, other than the one that was the science expo - my defense is that there is internet here).  

So, how have I changed... well, for one thing, I am unfortunately not as thin as I was back then, which is a shame, but I like to think that I like and appreciate my body more despite this. Sadly it doesn't necessarily mean I look after it better, there are still tins of sweetcorn in my cupboard and my fridge has wine in it more often than food. It does mean that I care more about the person that I am than what I look like - which is an important improvement but more likely to do with no longer being 17 than being at UCT. 

I do remember that when I first came to Cape Town I thought Capetonians had quite strong accents (I don't mean Hout Bay Harbour accents but it was either really posh "hot potato"/English colonialist accents or lazy surfers drawl). I don't notice this anymore (now that I think about it) which possibly means I have also picked up some Capetonian in my accent (in fact, people frequently comment on my accent and I generally tell them it is a JHB slowed down to Cape Town pace - unless I have wine, then it is hot potato city in an attempt to not slur! Or maybe I just talking funny!!) 

I find it difficult to identify other changes that are from having been to UCT as opposed to no longer being 17. (Besides knowing more about penguins and fish and intertidal critters) I consider myself to be open minded and liberal - but I think that was true when I was 17, if a little less defined. I do not consider myself to be a UCT snob, despite being proud of having been at UCT (is that contradictory?)  Of course there are times, (RECENTLY) that UCT has annoyed me dreadfully, and I have been very angry with it for some of their decisions/policies. I have wondered how things would be different if I had been to other institutions (I considered Rhodes at both Honours and Masters - and was really impressed with how quickly they responded when UCT admin left us hanging until the last minute which was part of the reason I was very tempted to go there.)  I have listened to friends gush about their post graduate experiences at other institutions and seen how they have changed in subtle ways from when they were at UCT.

  

We have pretty cool lawns close by,  but not on campus really
Also,  I am not sure why lawns are so important to me... hm

I have never been to another University, so it is difficult to have an outsiders perspective (well.... there was that time up in Pretoria, but I never really integrated with the UP culture, despite appreciating their lovely lawn (that no one else seemed to wiggled their toes in) and the very convenient and cheap Oom Gert's). I would be interested to hear your perspective, particularly if you have been to other Universities in addition to UCT   

Ultimately, I guess, any where you are is going to be as awesome or awful as you make it. If I could do everything over again, I wouldn't change anything, so that must be a good thing, right... Well... I wouldn't mind being the same weight I was when I was 17! 

(How nerdy is my title??)

Happy Dance

I'm not going to lie, I was expecting the worst. I was picturing how I'd have to spend years explaining that, no, in fact, I do not have a PhD. I was trying to imagine how to put a positive spin on it in my CV. I've even had whiny conversations about: "what if" to which my sister replied "you won't be the first person in the world not to get their PhD". This is true. And I know that the people that love me, would love me the same amount with or without a PhD after my name, and I would after all still have an MSc, and those that know me, know I worked hard and no one can take that away from me...

And then, on the lucky 7th of October, I got an email that meant I wouldn't have to delete myself from social media and become a hermit in some cold country where no one would think to look for me! (Because even when you know that people will still love you, the sympathetic head tilts can still make you want to run away). 

I got my PhD!!!!!!

To set the scene: We had just finishing the first haul of the crab trap for the day, and I checked my phone for the time and saw that there was email. It was from the DDB (who should really write happy emails in pink and rainbows not with big bold bits highlighted in red as though I am in trouble!) I literally folded on to the side of the jetty and when my colleague asked how the catch had been I started to cry! I sent a Whatsapp to my family and my mom called in tears, and then my sister called in tears, and then I posted it to Facebook and had this sudden attack of doubt - did I misunderstand the email? I sent it to my sister for confirmation and luckily I hadn't just embarrassed myself in a horribly public way! 

I've had such an overwhelming outpouring of love and support and tears and relief that I'm just, well, overwhelmed and a tiny bit shell shocked. I'm so grateful for how genuinely supportive so many people have been about my grumpiness, stress, wine and whining. You know who you are and you are rock stars of my heart - all of you!!! (An "acknowledgements" blog is in pipeline). My phone's battery has not been up to the challenge of coping with the messages, Facebook posts and phone calls. 

And soon, I will get to wear that silly pouffy hat and awesome red cape and the drink the bottle of fancy wine I have been saving "just in case" for far too long, and maybe I'll have to drink some bubbles while in a whimsical frame of mind because (with a few extra wrinkles)...

 I SURVIVED!!!!!!

(I do have some few corrections to make that have to be done before the 24th November so I can graduate on the 20th December this year - eekkkkkkk graduation excitement!!!!! - but I think they are totally manageable and actually there are only 5 things I have to change, 4 of which could be done in less than an hour. One is the slightly ridiculous typo of "tichness" instead of "richness" - one has to wonder how these typos sneak in)

Phew...

So, it has been just short of a month since I handed in my PhD... I am not going to lie, I have no overriding feelings of relief, euphoria or freedom. My most overwhelming feeling is one of exhaustion, STILL. I have also had a busy couple of weeks and on Thursday I caught a cold which went to my ears so, now, even though I am sitting at a very still desk, I haven't shaken the wobbly feeling of the floating jetty I was working on at Hout Bay Harbour today. I have also been slack with my blog, job and funding applications. Limbo... not so much fun. So, this is just to let you know that I am still alive, still catching crabs and will be writing a proper blog soon - once the multivitamins kick in! 

Bunny hugger

Let's be clear, I do what I do because I want to contribute positively to the world, to environmental and conservation issues (and increasingly, sustainability and fisheries issues).

However, not in a bunny-hugger, tree-hugger, penguin or dolphin (or insert fluffy creature of choice) -hugger way. I believe in science, rational thinking, logical, clear arguments that lead to a decisive plan of action (admittedly this almost never actually happens in science). Some might call me an idealist.  I believe firmly in science,  I have faith in facts - which is funny in a way because of how inconclusive most of my science has been.

I have done what I do because I believe it is making a contribution both to the environment (through management objectives) and to the body of human knowledge... But... I'm not going to lie, I'm so sick of killing things! I did not become a scientist to kill animals! At all! I know rationally that the crabs don't belong in the ecosystem, that the indigenous species will do better in the absence of the crabs (this is especially noticeable in the areas where there's hardly ever bycatch so the crabs are completely dominating that area) but I still feel bad for the poor things. Don't get me wrong, some of them make me less sad to kill than others - blood has been spilled, my blood - but, as a whole, the sheer number of crabs I'm responsible for killing is starting to get me down. I knew that the sardines, anchovy and redeye would have died during the survey with or without my work (in order to reliably set a catch limit for the fishery and form part of a 30+ year data set) but I still felt sad (I actually cried - but don't tell anyone because science is still somewhat of a man's world) when I saw the number of sardines and anchovy they bring up in the nets and them all dying en masse. And my colleagues shook their heads at my wanting to release the bycatch (once recorded) into the sea (it's a multi-storey drop but I had to try!) 

Trouble is, some of them are really quite cute and pretty

I've mentioned this to some of my colleagues, and can tell by the way that they look at me askance that they think I'm being sentimental. Yet, this is not actually a part of me I want to harden (there are parts of me that need to toughen up - like the parts of me that feel sad when the minions don't like me).

On the other hand, I've had fishermen who have asked me what we'll do with the crabs look horrified when I say we'll kill (I say "euthanase") them - fisherman!!! On a good day I'll explain that we can't return crabs that have been in South African waters to Europe because of their exposure to different pathogens and parasites (never mind the expense), but on the one less-than-fabulous day I couldn't help exclaiming: "but you're a fisherman!" It is a bit crazy that my job at the moment is literally to kill off every last individual of a species in Hout Bay Harbour... And because we haven't quite managed to kill them all off yet, we are going to carry on trying for another four weeks. Of course successfully eradicating an invasive marine species in an area would be an amazing achievement and hopefully good for the local crabs, rock lobsters, klipvis and shy sharks that are brave enough to call Hour Bay Harbour home (but not so good for the individual crabs we "euthanase") but I can't help thinking that maybe cleaning up the litter, plastic, oil, diesel etc might actually be more helpful? 

So, keep an eye out for work that will pay me but that doesn't involve killing things and let me know! 

Overly honest CV's

The always appropriate PhD Comics...  He has just handed in.... 

I was looking for the "overly honest methods" article that I read once upon a time, but there are pages of "overly honest scientific methods" articles if you Google and I can't justify reading through them all now... no really, I can't!!! I frequently joke that I should be able to put "neat handwriting" on my CV, because, seriously, it's important - you want me to capture your data. This made me think there are probably pages of "overly honest CV" articles too - I wasn't disappointed, the internet is magical. Again, I really don't have time to actually read the articles, but if you find yourself WAB-ing, please send me the best one you find! (Yes, people keep asking me what I am doing with all my free time, and it turns out, I still don't have any - but I have had two gorgeous weekends off in a row and it has been heavenly despite still being too tired to really do anything!)

Obviously, I have been thinking about my CV a lot recently while I stare into the blinding barrenness of my future. (I thought I had actually written a blog about the CV writing tips I had from one of my departmental icons, but I can't find it so, I guess not?) When I previously handed in my PhD I sent my CV out to many places, and mostly didn't hear anything back (although I have a soft spot for BirdLife International for sending me the nicest rejection letter I have ever had). Occasionally, a company is nice enough to send you an acknowledgement of receipt and rejection, but mostly it feels a little like standing on Table Mountain and throwing paper airplanes of hope into the the void (this is an image from an advert for a product I can't remember that always makes me feel like that's just littering - it might actually be a music video but either way, what are the chances they picked up all the little pieces of paper?)



I have had three interviews, (two real ones and one telephonic - as a phone-phobe that was a nightmare) two of which I didn't hear anything further from. I think that is particularly rude since they have actually met you or spoken to you and given you hope and the added stress of preparing for an interview. Do they not realise that there are people out there (I presume it isn't just me) that will stress about an answer they stumbled for more than a year after the interview, and will wonder how they could have answered "how do you handle conflict" better. (That is one of my least favourite questions, because I honestly try avoid conflict and suspect I am a bit of a push over... although "what are your weaknesses/strengths" is another pothole for me, even though I know that they will ask it every time!!!) 

The thing is, that when they ask me what are my weaknesses, I want to answer that I hate talking to strangers on the phone, that I am terrible at lying, and not even lying, but not answering with anything less than the whole, unabridged truth. (I am not good at secrets, I can keep them, but I am not sure that any good comes of not just being completely honest about things). That I want a job that will allow me to actually have a life (but I will end up working harder than I need to because I have inherited my mom's need to give her whole heart to everything she does.) That I really don't take being moaned at well (I found this out when the minions were whining - but as a plus I didn't cry until after they left) and that I am just not sure I like having to moan at people (I have found this out with the minions too, they are adults - shouldn't they just do their job properly?).



So, just before I go do some unpaid over time, I was wondering how you answer those stock-standard interview questions. What are your weaknesses, strengths and how do you deal with conflict (etc etc)... Please feel free to leave comments :)  

Whine without accompaniment of wine or excuse of last night's wine

There are some over-used cliches that are still appropriate. I have always been my own worst critic. In that typical way of so many women out there, I could list my faults quicker than my virtues, it's not something I like about myself (and would probably list it as one of those faults). The reason I bring this up though is because I'm finding this last push for the PhD very difficult. Heart-on-sleeve, I've lost faith in it all working out, for a number of reasons. Or maybe I am just tired at the moment and will be all bounce and enthusiasm again tomorrow.  

Looking across towards Hout Bay

I've seen people hand in, and comment that they felt lighter and happier having handed in. When I handed in, I felt doubt and anxiety (and a certain amount of happiness to be driving to Namibia the next day to spend a month with some awesome people studying dolphins). And, to be honest, I knew that there were issues with my sample sizes and uncertain results. I hoped that my amateur attempts at genetics weren't glaringly obvious, and that I'd get away with it. I wasn't entirely surprised I didn't, although I'm not sure why I had to wait anxiously for four months before I found out (they shouldn't draw out that kind of torment)!!

I did regroup, I've worked hard on trying to fix things up. I've sought help externally and have learnt a lot (including that some people in academics are amazingly kind and generous with their time, even harassed post docs). I've tried to get to grips with a whole new field, microchemisty, and turn my hesitant sentences into positive statements. I've spent an extra year of an already too large portion of my life trying to duct-tape the holes in my thesis.

The view from UCT parking lot

But, I'm feeling lost. I am feeling tired. And I am feeling a little let down. I know I've over-stayed my welcome and my project isn't that useful, far from sexy or even conclusive, but I still feel let down by academia, the system and my (amazing, intelligent, kind, incredibly busy and important that I would not want to say anything bad about) supervisors. I haven't heard from the one since they sent me comments on one (!!) Of my chapters the day before I was to hand in last April. I haven't had feedback on the 4 completed chapters I've sent to one of my other supervisors this year and haven't managed to be able to meet with them about the chapter I'm stumbling over, and I started stumbling months ago. And part of the problem now manifests in me not being as diligent as I should because I have lost confidence and I am feeling lost. (This works in a "oops, I sneezed... Can't work now, must be getting sick, will nap and work tomorrow" way). The trouble is, I feel guilty that I'm not out of their hair, off their to-do list, but I also don't think I can get through this second examination without their help.

I have also not had funding in 2013 or 2014 (although I did get some money when I found out my result which helped stop me having to dig for coins in the bottom of my bank account or, worse, get bailed out by my family - which I've subsequently resorted to again, to pay my 2014 fees). So I've been doing all sorts of things, that aren't my PhD. And I can't help comparing the encouragement/opportunities colleagues have had, even down to the PC they use to, my own world. And wonder if it's because I am subtly being shown the door out of this world. Things are tough, for everyone, I know, and it always looks rosier from the outside.

I really do appreciate that people have been kind and generous with their support and offers of help (from penguinologists, plantologists, fishologists, normal people and family). I'm the chubby teenager that needs constant reassurance. But, I'm still tired of being a cause for sympathy and constantly having to explain why I don't have my PhD, yet, so what happens if I don't get it at all? This, this, is all I have ever wanted to do... I don't have a back up plan... Any suggestions are welcome...

This isn't where I thought I would be now, but
on a sunny day, it isn't a bad place to be!

Basically, this isn't where I thought I would be in my life by now. Although I suspect that this is the case for many people in unpredictable life. I'm sad for the loss of the girl I thought I would be (in my very careful, control-mad plan for my life) but maybe there'll be something better about the woman I am to become because of all of this. I guess we'll just have to wait and see who that is...

Hout Bay

In a desperate bid to earn some money and keep me eating while writing up and looking for a job, I have taken a short-term job. It is an eradication project, to rid Hout Bay Harbour of the invasive alien crab, Carcinus maenas, or European Green Crab. I am actually the manager of a team of 9 minions - there were meant to be 10 minions, but one pulled out on day 1 so I am now a minion and minion manager.  It is all part of the project that has had me "catching crabs in Sea Point" this year. 

I've learnt some random things while in Hout Bay for the last couple of weeks: If you're going there as a tourist, you really want to be there in the morning (at least during the week in Winter), all the little informal shops close up by lunch time and the vibe changes to just a slightly seedy working harbour. (But thankfully with no creepy soap-selling girls) Saying that, the whole harbour is a little seedy all the time and should have a PG rating for language...I've heard words used in ways they shouldn't be... A lot... Everywhere. Although, the most disturbing thing is that there are Bergies (say it with a soft g and long r it means homeless people in Cape Townian) that hold fish in their mouths to feed the seals, for the enjoyment of the tourists, of course, and then they let the tourists (and the small children) pet the (WILD) seal. There are many reasons why this is disturbing, but I just dread the day a seal bites a tourist or child. It is illegal, but that doesn't stop many of the happenings in Hout Bay. 

If you are going there for lunch: Snoekies has the cheapest chips... Although Fish 4 Africa has a

cheaper chip roll. But I'm really not going to buy chips again... No, really! You can get instant coffee for R8, which is cheap, sure, but who pays for instant coffee?? Hot chocolate at the little kiosk is R16 which is comparatively expensive but when the wind is icy and you are wet through to the skin, nothing else will do... Well, wine would, but I'm working... OK you probably aren't going there for the cheapest possible chips, so I actually recommend the market on the weekend, which I haven't been to in months! And Mariner's Wharf is probably the classiest place - if you go upstairs! They also have a Winter specials menu. It is pretty difficult to find anything that isn't fish or chips, although there is a kiosk that has toasted sandwiches which I haven't been brave enough to try and a place called Ikhaya Coffee but that looks expensive so I haven't tried it out either... will keep you posted, I still have 6 weeks on the job. 

Clouds skipping over the mounta

Hout Bay harbour, as any where I guess, looks a little different everyday. My happiness levels are strongly correlated to sunshine availability but there's even something spectacular about the speed at which the clouds skip over the tops of the mountain (it's just not something my blackberry can photograph). There are bits of beauty everywhere, and a very dramatic setting, but the harbour could definitely do with some work and cleaning, and security... In my head I've always thought of Hout Bay as a really fancy place, but it apparently has a split personality. I have also always thought it's really far away, but it isn't actually, so I'm not sure how much you should trust my thoughts! (20-30minutes from Claremont, but my petrol usage is burning a hole in my pocket) !

Too adorable,
 3 sharks on my hand

Holding a fairly big
shy shark

There are more things living in the water than you'd think, mostly shy sharks, seals, crabs (of course) and klipvis (of a hundred different shades and patterns), but I truly love the shy sharks so it is great to hold them, see them up close and then let them go of course. The marine life is actually surprising to me because the water is (mostly) disgusting. From oil or diesel slicks to litter piled in corners and strange white effluents pumping into the shallows, never mind the fibre glass residue and other boat-maintenance gross-ness, it's a wonder anything lives here. If anyone knows who I can moan to about this, I'll write a strongly worded letter!! (Disturbingly, I was chatting to a frequent harbour-diver and she said Hout Bay is better than most, I slowly shake my head in despair!)

The trouble with having
an outside job

I've learnt stuff about myself too. And the crabs have been willing to teach me that when I get impatient with people I shouldn't be all cocky and take over, because that's when they'll pinch (and draw blood!!!) I have always known I don't like being told what to do, but I'm pretty strict on myself so I think I've turned out OK. Turns out I also don't like telling other people what to do (I'm not bad at it, I just don't like it, OK, maybe I am a little bad at it), I especially don't like saying the same thing more than once (oh wait, I knew that about me already). How hard is it to just do what you're supposed to do? It's also interesting that within a week I knew who, out of my team of 9 people, I'd want to employ were I in a position to employ people. That quickly... 1 week. First impressions do count.

And some first impressions are really interesting. People will happily admit to being poachers, swear colourfully at their boat-mate (then smile at you), or casually discuss the whereabouts of their drug stash. I had one occasion where I smiled and greeted a man, and he just laughed like a crazy person... I walked swiftly on. But, once you smell (yes, I stink) like the harbour, you blend in and stop getting asked for money. Then everyone, from the boat-yard mechanic to security guard to fisherman to restaurateur, to fancy boat-owner is friendly. They always have a smile and greeting for you, will chat about the catch, and offer suggestions (everyone has an opinion about where best to catch the crabs). Although I have been called "Mrs Crab" and "the crab lady" which I am not loving. The kids are attentive, interested and retain what you tell them to repeat to their friends the next time they see you. That really helps you get through a chilly, drizzly or boring day, so, smile it will help no matter where you are!

PS I cannot recommend Snoekies enough, they were so nice to us - ask for Richard! Admittedly I don't eat fish and that's the specialty, actually, it is pretty much their "only" but I'm sure their fish is great too... Their chips definitely are!!