The other F Word

You will note a delay between "The F Word" and this post. Well, what is academia with out procrastination? Actually, I have been avoiding this post. And it seems a shame to write it on such a sunny Friday, but I think I have put it off for long enough. 

I feel like a lobster in moult (no, no sunburn); I find myself feeling extra sensitive and wishing I could back under a rock and hide from the world (a good rock, with warm water and a fairly constant supply of yummy food of course - I am a discerning lobster) until my exoskeleton grows back. I am not a lobster, and am not hiding under a rock, (nor, for that matter is there a constant supply of yummy food) but I do find myself feeling anxious about seeing people I haven't TOLD and I can no more stop myself from cringing at the "what are you up to" question than I could stop myself not being a lobster. So... because I so completely want to never have this conversation, ever again, I'll, you know, write a blog about it and wave my vulnerability around on the internet in a completely public way (but from the safe space behind my screen). 

When my PhD ran a little, and then, a lot, over time I started to get a little sick of the "when will you be finished" question. So, with a little less grace than I should have, I started saying, "you will know when I hand in because I'll hire a sky writer and write it across the sky." And when I did hand in, I did (well, I used a photo editor and posted it on Facebook - almost the same thing...). I have come to regret that.

Four months later.... 

At UCT, there are 3 examiners that can give you one of three outcomes: No revisions, minor revisions (supervisor ticks off), major revisions (resubmit for marking) or fail.  One of my examiners gave me major revisions and thus, here I sit, doing my PhD AGAIN! 

You can imagine, I was just a tiny bit 'bummed', actually, I continue shuffle between a play list of sad, embarrassed, inadequate, despondent, indifferent, defeated, blue, stressed etc. Mostly I just feel like I let everyone (including my two fabulous supervisors, my amazingly supportive parents, family and friends) down. Actually, it took me DAYS to tell my parents and longer still to tell the bulk of my friends. And I seem to still (tortuously) have THE conversation on an almost weekly basis. I was quite impressed with myself for not crying when my supervisor told me, at least, not immediately, I left her office and found a friendly shoulder to cry on first. I also managed to give a presentation at a SANCOR meeting THE VERY NEXT DAY! (Not my best but not awful?) 

UCT's Jammie hall - where the lucky ones graduate...

Obviously, this is one big failure, but it actually has its origins in a number of little failures (as is generally the case). I did my PhD through two Universities, which would have been fine if things in the lab had worked, but they didn't, so I ended up having to travel between Cape Town and Pretoria more often than anticipated. This was logistically difficult and expensive (on two fronts, it cost me money and I couldn't earn money by being a demonstrator in Cape Town). It also meant that each time I switched towns I felt like I was starting from scratch with the work. 

I had endless (not an exaggeration - I ended up having to 'make do' with the results I had once the money ran out and that definitely bit me in the bum) optimisation troubles in the lab and because I had never done any genetics work before, I took it pretty personally. At one stage, I literally felt nauseous as I drove into the UP parking lot. This was NOT a happy time. I (halfheartedly) consider giving up after my sister +Kerri  asked me: "what if you die tomorrow, you've spent your last year being miserable." (I found out that I would have to pay back all my funding but really, deep down I knew I wouldn't have been able to give up.) 

Me, in SWEDEN! Fell in love with Sweden, can you tell?

OK so, I am whinging, yes, things were tough, but everyone goes through that. A PhD is not meant to be easy. When I look back over the (far too many) years, there have been so many amazing moments (I jumped into the sea at midnight, IN SWEDEN!), small triumphs (you have no idea how awesome you feel when a PCR works) and unforgettable opportunities that, even with this result, it actually has been worth it! 

My goddaughter, Megan, and I in
December 2013

Since I have had a few months to reflect on this news, I have occasionally pondered what I would do differently, and honestly, there isn't much. It would have been a more prudent decision to work between UCT and Stellenbosch, but I wouldn't have given up the extra time I spent in JHB over the past few years for anything. I got to spend extra time in my childhood home before my parents retired to the coast (to an AWESOME beach house) and spend real quality time with the people I love in JHB. I am so grateful for the time I had to just sit on the grass with my beautiful cousin and watch her children, my gorgeous goddaughter and her sister, growing up, particularly since I will never get to do that again. So I wouldn't change anything, because

I think things happen the only way they were ever going to happen. 

Now that I have the MOMENTOUS task of fixing my PhD, I suspect that if I put a smile on my face (at least most days, definitely Fridays) then I will get through this too.  I did decide that I needed something to help me through though, and that's why I started this blog on how to survive a PhD (again) so I could find the Bubbles and Whimsy. 

P.S. I think I coped with the news about my PhD quite well because of two things: Firstly, it wasn't the worst thing that happened last year. My gorgeous cousin was killed in a car accident, and something like that really gives perspective to EVERYTHING else that happens in your world. Secondly, even though it was a really tough year, when I did get my results, we had a visiting scientist in the lab that  I had decided was working far too hard for someone who had never been to Cape Town before. I had taken it upon myself to drag him out to the beautiful spots of Cape Town, which reminded me of what a wonderful place I live in. I sincerely hope that this never happens to any of the other people I know doing PhDs, but if it does, I hope that the universe throws some sunshine and happiness your way when you get the news...