Perks of unemployment

a book about how difficult
it is to find your dream job
 - well, sort of... 

Being unemployed sucks (I know that's not the title of the blog - I will get there). It is scary, demoralizing and frustrating. (I definitely thought I would be saving the world by now.) You have no idea when it will end, your bank account misses the days when money went in and not just out out out (and this is with very limited spending thanks to awesome family). You don't have medical aid (eek, although I feel almost rebellious without it, and I have very few moments of rebellion). You can't make future plans because you don't know where you will be in 6 months time (I am looking for work ANYWHERE in the world).

So good, but so sad

It is also frustrating that your poor CV has to carry the burden of introducing you to complete strangers and convincing them that you really are awesome (because of course I am). It is shyly being sent to the far flung places in the world, and more often than not you don't even get told if it got there. Personally, I am also not sure what level to pitch my CV at, is it really true that you don't have to tick ALL the requirements, or am I wasting their time if I haven't explicitly worked on Zebrafish? 

Totally oversold -
this is not a romantic
story. 

There are also the hermit-inspiring questions: "What are you doing now?" and "What are you going to do next?" (Not to mention the stories about the awesome jobs OTHER people have found - although I promise I really am happy for them!) All of this makes life vaguely terrifying. 

BUT, I am a silver lining, bubbles and whimsy kind of girl - at least on Fridays. There are good things about being unemployed.*

LOVELY. Emilio was
my first crush (in
Young Guns II)

I was genuinely exhausted and run down when I finished my PhD , so a bit  of a break is a gift from the universe (do you hear that universe? Only a BIT) and so are the vitamin B injections. I have time to do yoga and not spend Savasana thinking about how I should be writing my thesis (that doesn't mean I am actually able to think about nothing yet). I have time to play with the dogs and play dress up with my wonderful nieces. 

I have also had time to indulge in my all-time-favourite thing - reading. At times during my PhD I had to ban  my self from reading because I get very resentful of having to do anything else when I am in the middle of a good book. Now I have been able to gleefully indulge in book after book. (The book I have just finished was of course a Terry Pratchett - "Snuff" - because it was the best way to cope with the very sad news of him passing away last week, I am not ashamed to say there were tears). 

Just coincidence I also
read this TP this month

I have also (and I say this with some trepidation) had time to try writing a little children's story of my own. It of course includes limpets and sardines because there really should be more books that do. This is a real luxury because it a completely self indulgent thing to do and when does one have time to just write for the whole day? (Unfortunately not in my pajamas drinking champagne**).  I am struggling a little with what should happen next, unfortunately, so maybe champagne would help. I have even spent some time trying to figure out how to draw cartoon faces - for illustrating the book - although I suspect these will only ever see the inside of my notebook. 

Life is better now!

Of course, the reality is, most of my time is spent trawling the internet for possible job openings. This and applying for the tiny proportion that is appropriate takes up an extraordinary amount of time. This is particularly true when you have to fill in the applications online. (And I still have papers that need to be published looming over my shoulder). But one of the good things about searching for jobs in conservation and fisheries is that the internet searches bring you to amazing organisations that are doing really cool things. There are organisations that I have never heard of that are doing exactly what I think needs to be done in the world. There are people that are truly inspiring that I hope to be like one day. (For example: Check out "The Center for Biological Diversity" and the amazing things "Zoological Society of London" are doing and many other cool things that are happening including the discovery of lots of new species by WoRMs). 

This made me Fernweh

Read it! 

While I was chatting to one inspirational person doing cool work I noticed on her wall a sign that said:

"I just want to save animals, drink wine and take naps"

My sign would read:

"I just want to save animals, drink wine and read books - but - could someone please pay me to do so"^

*I suspect this is only true if you have an amazingly generous family, that are willing to feed you, like I do. 

** This is a Terry Pratchett reference, from Snuff #

# I guess including footnotes is also a Terry Pratchett inspired thing, especially when you have footnotes that have footnotes. 

^My sister rightly suggested that reading is way better than napping - napping tends to make me grumpy. 

Whine without accompaniment of wine or excuse of last night's wine

There are some over-used cliches that are still appropriate. I have always been my own worst critic. In that typical way of so many women out there, I could list my faults quicker than my virtues, it's not something I like about myself (and would probably list it as one of those faults). The reason I bring this up though is because I'm finding this last push for the PhD very difficult. Heart-on-sleeve, I've lost faith in it all working out, for a number of reasons. Or maybe I am just tired at the moment and will be all bounce and enthusiasm again tomorrow.  

Looking across towards Hout Bay

I've seen people hand in, and comment that they felt lighter and happier having handed in. When I handed in, I felt doubt and anxiety (and a certain amount of happiness to be driving to Namibia the next day to spend a month with some awesome people studying dolphins). And, to be honest, I knew that there were issues with my sample sizes and uncertain results. I hoped that my amateur attempts at genetics weren't glaringly obvious, and that I'd get away with it. I wasn't entirely surprised I didn't, although I'm not sure why I had to wait anxiously for four months before I found out (they shouldn't draw out that kind of torment)!!

I did regroup, I've worked hard on trying to fix things up. I've sought help externally and have learnt a lot (including that some people in academics are amazingly kind and generous with their time, even harassed post docs). I've tried to get to grips with a whole new field, microchemisty, and turn my hesitant sentences into positive statements. I've spent an extra year of an already too large portion of my life trying to duct-tape the holes in my thesis.

The view from UCT parking lot

But, I'm feeling lost. I am feeling tired. And I am feeling a little let down. I know I've over-stayed my welcome and my project isn't that useful, far from sexy or even conclusive, but I still feel let down by academia, the system and my (amazing, intelligent, kind, incredibly busy and important that I would not want to say anything bad about) supervisors. I haven't heard from the one since they sent me comments on one (!!) Of my chapters the day before I was to hand in last April. I haven't had feedback on the 4 completed chapters I've sent to one of my other supervisors this year and haven't managed to be able to meet with them about the chapter I'm stumbling over, and I started stumbling months ago. And part of the problem now manifests in me not being as diligent as I should because I have lost confidence and I am feeling lost. (This works in a "oops, I sneezed... Can't work now, must be getting sick, will nap and work tomorrow" way). The trouble is, I feel guilty that I'm not out of their hair, off their to-do list, but I also don't think I can get through this second examination without their help.

I have also not had funding in 2013 or 2014 (although I did get some money when I found out my result which helped stop me having to dig for coins in the bottom of my bank account or, worse, get bailed out by my family - which I've subsequently resorted to again, to pay my 2014 fees). So I've been doing all sorts of things, that aren't my PhD. And I can't help comparing the encouragement/opportunities colleagues have had, even down to the PC they use to, my own world. And wonder if it's because I am subtly being shown the door out of this world. Things are tough, for everyone, I know, and it always looks rosier from the outside.

I really do appreciate that people have been kind and generous with their support and offers of help (from penguinologists, plantologists, fishologists, normal people and family). I'm the chubby teenager that needs constant reassurance. But, I'm still tired of being a cause for sympathy and constantly having to explain why I don't have my PhD, yet, so what happens if I don't get it at all? This, this, is all I have ever wanted to do... I don't have a back up plan... Any suggestions are welcome...

This isn't where I thought I would be now, but
on a sunny day, it isn't a bad place to be!

Basically, this isn't where I thought I would be in my life by now. Although I suspect that this is the case for many people in unpredictable life. I'm sad for the loss of the girl I thought I would be (in my very careful, control-mad plan for my life) but maybe there'll be something better about the woman I am to become because of all of this. I guess we'll just have to wait and see who that is...

Stress

This is something everyone can relate to, I am sure. It is an all-pervasive condition of our world - at least as far as I can tell. I am guilty about stressing about things that aren't even real. For instance, I have been avoiding asking my supervisor for help because I can feel her rolling her eyes when I pop my head into her office - only, she isn't. I am just projecting the frustration I am feeling with myself on to her. She, meanwhile, considers my work a priority and told me I mustn't hesitate to ask her things. (She really is VERY nice, and says this despite being SUPER busy ALL the time.) One of the troubles with stress, is that we are all in our own heads so much, we start making up things to stress about, and since there are very real things to stress about, that seems a little bit like a silly thing to do. 

And personally, I have had long-lasting, physiological symptoms of stress, real ones - diagnosed by doctors, but besides that, there have also been various small things I have noticed about myself that have changed as a result of stress. (I noticed this particularly when I handed in the first time, although some of the symptoms are returning like old friends). Firstly, terrible memory, granted I have never had an awesome memory for details, but this is a kind of preoccupied single mindedness that isn't even necessarily thinking about my PhD but about how stressed I am about my PhD. This means that I can literally have a conversation with you and completely forget all details - or sometimes, even the fact that we had a conversation (sorry!). Here, and only in this instance, wine doesn't help! 

I was also more than usually scatter-brained. Once, I actually left the stove top on for hours - thank goodness everything was fine but please don't tell Eskom  - I am honestly usually very good about electricity. I also lost stuff. This seriously bothered me. I can tell you where my Grade 1 diary is right now. I am usually a really organised, neat person and I know where to find my stuff, but I lost things. And it worried me!!! 

Then there was the normal stuff, the self-involvement, the wanting to hide under the bed, the vaguely hysterical moments, wanting to eat chocolate, drinking wine (this does help)... you know, normal stress responses. This time, I am honestly just exhausted, which is annoying because I should be working late in to the nights but instead find I am sleepy by 9pm. And, when I do sleep, I am dreaming about giant chemical elements scrabble pieces that are aggressive in a way that scrabble pieces just shouldn't be. Last night I actually dreamt that a boy kissed me and then told me that he had lots going on and didn't want to get involved in anything - a 31 year old single girl does not need that happening to her in her dreams!! I have also dreamt that we were driving through a war-torn Mauritius and the bridges were made of corrugated iron... I am not sure where that dream came from - but R did a sterling job of driving L and I through the gun-wielding thugs!

The trouble is that when you are stressed - and it is causing real physiological or mental damage, what can you really do about it? It's not exactly helpful when the doctors  tell you "it's stress" because you can't actually switch that off, or quit like you would cigarettes. 

The other F Word

You will note a delay between "The F Word" and this post. Well, what is academia with out procrastination? Actually, I have been avoiding this post. And it seems a shame to write it on such a sunny Friday, but I think I have put it off for long enough. 

I feel like a lobster in moult (no, no sunburn); I find myself feeling extra sensitive and wishing I could back under a rock and hide from the world (a good rock, with warm water and a fairly constant supply of yummy food of course - I am a discerning lobster) until my exoskeleton grows back. I am not a lobster, and am not hiding under a rock, (nor, for that matter is there a constant supply of yummy food) but I do find myself feeling anxious about seeing people I haven't TOLD and I can no more stop myself from cringing at the "what are you up to" question than I could stop myself not being a lobster. So... because I so completely want to never have this conversation, ever again, I'll, you know, write a blog about it and wave my vulnerability around on the internet in a completely public way (but from the safe space behind my screen). 

When my PhD ran a little, and then, a lot, over time I started to get a little sick of the "when will you be finished" question. So, with a little less grace than I should have, I started saying, "you will know when I hand in because I'll hire a sky writer and write it across the sky." And when I did hand in, I did (well, I used a photo editor and posted it on Facebook - almost the same thing...). I have come to regret that.

Four months later.... 

At UCT, there are 3 examiners that can give you one of three outcomes: No revisions, minor revisions (supervisor ticks off), major revisions (resubmit for marking) or fail.  One of my examiners gave me major revisions and thus, here I sit, doing my PhD AGAIN! 

You can imagine, I was just a tiny bit 'bummed', actually, I continue shuffle between a play list of sad, embarrassed, inadequate, despondent, indifferent, defeated, blue, stressed etc. Mostly I just feel like I let everyone (including my two fabulous supervisors, my amazingly supportive parents, family and friends) down. Actually, it took me DAYS to tell my parents and longer still to tell the bulk of my friends. And I seem to still (tortuously) have THE conversation on an almost weekly basis. I was quite impressed with myself for not crying when my supervisor told me, at least, not immediately, I left her office and found a friendly shoulder to cry on first. I also managed to give a presentation at a SANCOR meeting THE VERY NEXT DAY! (Not my best but not awful?) 

UCT's Jammie hall - where the lucky ones graduate...

Obviously, this is one big failure, but it actually has its origins in a number of little failures (as is generally the case). I did my PhD through two Universities, which would have been fine if things in the lab had worked, but they didn't, so I ended up having to travel between Cape Town and Pretoria more often than anticipated. This was logistically difficult and expensive (on two fronts, it cost me money and I couldn't earn money by being a demonstrator in Cape Town). It also meant that each time I switched towns I felt like I was starting from scratch with the work. 

I had endless (not an exaggeration - I ended up having to 'make do' with the results I had once the money ran out and that definitely bit me in the bum) optimisation troubles in the lab and because I had never done any genetics work before, I took it pretty personally. At one stage, I literally felt nauseous as I drove into the UP parking lot. This was NOT a happy time. I (halfheartedly) consider giving up after my sister +Kerri  asked me: "what if you die tomorrow, you've spent your last year being miserable." (I found out that I would have to pay back all my funding but really, deep down I knew I wouldn't have been able to give up.) 

Me, in SWEDEN! Fell in love with Sweden, can you tell?

OK so, I am whinging, yes, things were tough, but everyone goes through that. A PhD is not meant to be easy. When I look back over the (far too many) years, there have been so many amazing moments (I jumped into the sea at midnight, IN SWEDEN!), small triumphs (you have no idea how awesome you feel when a PCR works) and unforgettable opportunities that, even with this result, it actually has been worth it! 

My goddaughter, Megan, and I in
December 2013

Since I have had a few months to reflect on this news, I have occasionally pondered what I would do differently, and honestly, there isn't much. It would have been a more prudent decision to work between UCT and Stellenbosch, but I wouldn't have given up the extra time I spent in JHB over the past few years for anything. I got to spend extra time in my childhood home before my parents retired to the coast (to an AWESOME beach house) and spend real quality time with the people I love in JHB. I am so grateful for the time I had to just sit on the grass with my beautiful cousin and watch her children, my gorgeous goddaughter and her sister, growing up, particularly since I will never get to do that again. So I wouldn't change anything, because

I think things happen the only way they were ever going to happen. 

Now that I have the MOMENTOUS task of fixing my PhD, I suspect that if I put a smile on my face (at least most days, definitely Fridays) then I will get through this too.  I did decide that I needed something to help me through though, and that's why I started this blog on how to survive a PhD (again) so I could find the Bubbles and Whimsy. 

P.S. I think I coped with the news about my PhD quite well because of two things: Firstly, it wasn't the worst thing that happened last year. My gorgeous cousin was killed in a car accident, and something like that really gives perspective to EVERYTHING else that happens in your world. Secondly, even though it was a really tough year, when I did get my results, we had a visiting scientist in the lab that  I had decided was working far too hard for someone who had never been to Cape Town before. I had taken it upon myself to drag him out to the beautiful spots of Cape Town, which reminded me of what a wonderful place I live in. I sincerely hope that this never happens to any of the other people I know doing PhDs, but if it does, I hope that the universe throws some sunshine and happiness your way when you get the news... 

diligence fail

So, today is Friday, which is blog day... but I find myself feeling distinctly overwhelmed and exhausted. I have had lots of thoughts about what to put in the blog this week, during the week, but they have all run away from my head now. (I, at least, partially blame a Swedish couch surfer I am hosting who is 24 and has all the energy of the Duracell Bunny - ah to be young and travelling the world). So even while I am writing this I am wondering if I should just leave it for today and write again next week but then I thought actually whether it is writing a blog, or a PhD, we all have the days that I am having today and maybe there are ways to make the most of them.

Firstly, right now, I am feeling a little bit hungry, chances are my blood sugar is low so I am struggling to concentrate. This is no way to work! In theory, I should go get some food, and I will, I just want to finish this first... WAIT! Have you felt like that? Go get food, you will finish what you are trying to do much faster and probably with more enthusiasm and intelligence.

Find a beautiful space

If it truly is a day when you are unlikely to do anything, acknowledge it. Instead of sitting in front of the computer and just getting frustrated with yourself and the fact that no one has put anything interesting on Facebook since the last time you checked (two minutes ago), walk away! Go to the beach (or park), eat ice cream (this is my friend Emily's strategy for when she is feeling blue or uninspired - I love this advice but can't really bring myself to follow it). Hopefully, you will sit down the next day feeling refreshed and inspired (or, at the very least, guilty - which can do wonders for productivity).

Above my screen:
random smiley face of unknown origin,
magnificent penguin from a friend
bat from the top of last year's department
Christmas cake - I love his quirky grin.
(Please excuse picture quality)

If the overwhelmed-ness makes you want to crawl in a ball under you desk... a feeling I can completely relate to, check PhD Comics (I love these comics, I love to know that there are people out there going through the same thing as me - sometimes exactly - and it is OK to laugh ironically at yourself) or Thesis whisperer (I haven't looked at this much but, again, +Emily McGregor recommends it) or read the news and be grateful you live in an ivory cocoon.

The important thing is to breath, smile (force yourself but if you can't go speak to a cheerful friend or make sure you have smiley gadgets on your desk), hold on tight to your towel and Don't Panic (I LOVE Douglas Adams).

Terrible photo but you get the point?

I actually have a black pseudo-leather arm band thingy that I wear on days like this because my beautiful friend +Roxi Dodkins gave it to me so that makes me smile, but also because it has all these cheesy inspirational words written on it in silver that I find oddly uplifting maybe you just need to find your mojo-charm.

Don't eat elephants

Tricky thing a PhD, working alone for a far distant goal; a huge undertaking that seems impossible at times. One of the hardest things is that the quantity of work seems so immense that it is hard to imagine how you will ever get through it so it is often easier to not start or to WAB... after all, life is full of distractions...

(I am linking some distractions in here just to prove my point: A blog on procrastination Wait but Why on Procrastination; I am a big fan of PhD comics PhDs Believe it or Don't; and this is the most awesome thing I have recently been told about you can learn a new language for FREE or you can just feed the fish at the bottom of my screen)

Elephants at Etosha, Namibia

So how to deal with the feeling of being overwhelmed... My fabulous friend (sanity-saving who has provided invaluably help to me during both my MSc and PhD), +Andrew Markham told me over and over again that the way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. (This is an analogy, neither he nor I, condone the eating of elephants). Of course, this advice is all very well and good but HOW? 

Here I am not well suited to giving advice. I am, after all, way over my allocated time to finish a PhD (I will explain more about that another time) and instead of working on my chapter (s), I am writing a blog.

Don't eat elephants!!!!

So I suggest a schedule. Yes, of course this is obvious, and even fabulous schedules are frequently ignored, but hear me out. I allow myself GUILT FREE "wasted time" in the morning. This is when I check Facebook, write this blog (although I have made the rule to only do the blog on Fridays), read those random articles about procrastination. Then we have tea in the department, so I go to that, (that blog post will come) and then when tea is over, I know that I have to sit down and really concentrate. To help this, my friend Kate has recently told me about something called  Workrave which is supposed to help with carpal tunnel syndrome. I use it to force myself to concentrate for 25 minutes (you can set the time intervals) and then break for 4 minutes (during which I get up and refill my water glass - see benefits are endless, I am also drinking more water). Rather than aimlessly switching between multiple things and not getting anything done, I find it helps me focus on one thing at a time for those 25 minutes. Rad (yes, I am the type of person that says "Rad" unapologetically). Try it, maybe it will help (I mean the workrave thing, but saying rad is also quite fun! 

OK, almost tea time, Happy Friday!!!!!