PhD Singleton

I have had the thought of writing this blog for a very long time but for some completely inexplicable reason I feel more vulnerable and exposed writing about being single than I do writing about being brokenhearted (which took up two blog posts) or having to re-write my PhD or even losing someone I love. But, since Valentine's Day is coming up - and I already did one of those optimistic blogs about all the things I love last year - I thought I would actually talk about being single and doing a PhD (after all, I am no longer even doing a PhD so that half of the equation is in the past). I am quite content being single, but is my reluctance to write about it because I perceive there to be a stigma associated with being over thirty and single? I hope not... Although I do like that I can put "Dr" instead of "Miss" on forms now. 

I actually got the idea from the PHD COMICS Facebook page (You all know I love PHD COMICS - I mentioned it in the optimistic Valentine's Day post last year). The topic they were discussing was: 

"What is your experience being single in grad school? Tell us your stories." 

There were plenty of responses along this line: 

"Find someone before starting, otherwise end up as the unemployed overeducated catlady." 

But I really liked this comment most:

"My daughter may not have an m.r.s. but she'll have a Ph.D., and that lasts forever."

Of course liking that line doesn't mean that I want to be single forever either - and saying that doesn't mean that I will judge the success of my life based on whether or not I get married. 

In the first part of my PhD I did actually have a boyfriend, and quite a serious one at that. When we broke up it took a while to get over him and so for a while I wasn't interested in looking for anything else. Funny thing though, when I was over him, I actually still wasn't interested in looking for anyone else. Doing a PhD takes up a lot of time, and so I was grateful that I didn't have the extra distraction of wanting to spend time with a boyfriend (does that make me sound terrible?) I enjoyed having my free time to myself or to spend with my friends. I was pleased that if I was working late or on the weekend I wasn't resenting the work as time away from the boyfriend (which is what happened when I was in a relationship).  

I am quite an independent person and enjoy being the sole dictator of how I spend my time (and I have mentioned before, I am glad to not have to watch hockey games on cold Winter evenings anymore - not that I didn't want to do it at the time). I also find that I need time alone to stay sane (which is possible in a relationship too, of course). I also like that because I am single I make decisions about my future (geographically speaking) that are purely selfish. So, I am a pretty happy singleton at any time but I want to be honest. While I was doing my PhD I didn't have head space to meet someone new. I didn't have time. I didn't have the inclination. I didn't actually even go out to places where meeting someone would be a possibility. I was grateful that my PhD could come first in my life - even if it drove me a little bit crazy (and it probably didn't come as first in my life as it should have, I do love spending time with my friends). I suspect, that might be true for a lot of PhDers. If this is making you - as a current single PhDers - feel sad, I know of some friends that did manage to meet new people during the course of their PhD so don't lose hope. And here is further reason for hope... one day... even though it is very hard to believe... you will finish your PhD and LIFE will carry on. Isn't that an amazing thought. I am still not sure if I believe I am done (although I do have the mug to prove it).

Great gift!!!

And while finishing your PhD might not mean that you have loads of extra time (because of course you will find a job or get a post doc that keeps you busy - see, I am all about hope) it will hopefully mean that you can allow something else to come first in your life. For me, right now, I think what should be coming first in my life is me... I am enjoying having the time to go to yoga and go for walks (with the JHB dogs) and read lots and lots of books. After all, I hopefully will soon be very busy learning the ropes at a new job/post doc. As far as relationships go... well I would rather first know where I will be in the next 6 months, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see... 

I think one of the reasons that I was hesitant to write this blog is because while I am single, it is not how I define myself. I have always felt it frustrating when listening to people that are just so desperate to be in a couple that it is their primary focus (also those "I wish I had a boyfriend" conversations get a little bit boring). I believe that what you achieve in the world should be how you define yourself, not whether or not you are married. I also felt frustrated when people do the Bridget Jones "when are you going to get married then?" thing because I feel that there is so much more happening in my life. Still, Valentine's Day is the one day of a year when it is inevitable to be defined be your relationship status. BUT Valentine's Day also means the end of my alcohol free month - got to love that - so Happy Valentines Day indeed! 

Stress

This is something everyone can relate to, I am sure. It is an all-pervasive condition of our world - at least as far as I can tell. I am guilty about stressing about things that aren't even real. For instance, I have been avoiding asking my supervisor for help because I can feel her rolling her eyes when I pop my head into her office - only, she isn't. I am just projecting the frustration I am feeling with myself on to her. She, meanwhile, considers my work a priority and told me I mustn't hesitate to ask her things. (She really is VERY nice, and says this despite being SUPER busy ALL the time.) One of the troubles with stress, is that we are all in our own heads so much, we start making up things to stress about, and since there are very real things to stress about, that seems a little bit like a silly thing to do. 

And personally, I have had long-lasting, physiological symptoms of stress, real ones - diagnosed by doctors, but besides that, there have also been various small things I have noticed about myself that have changed as a result of stress. (I noticed this particularly when I handed in the first time, although some of the symptoms are returning like old friends). Firstly, terrible memory, granted I have never had an awesome memory for details, but this is a kind of preoccupied single mindedness that isn't even necessarily thinking about my PhD but about how stressed I am about my PhD. This means that I can literally have a conversation with you and completely forget all details - or sometimes, even the fact that we had a conversation (sorry!). Here, and only in this instance, wine doesn't help! 

I was also more than usually scatter-brained. Once, I actually left the stove top on for hours - thank goodness everything was fine but please don't tell Eskom  - I am honestly usually very good about electricity. I also lost stuff. This seriously bothered me. I can tell you where my Grade 1 diary is right now. I am usually a really organised, neat person and I know where to find my stuff, but I lost things. And it worried me!!! 

Then there was the normal stuff, the self-involvement, the wanting to hide under the bed, the vaguely hysterical moments, wanting to eat chocolate, drinking wine (this does help)... you know, normal stress responses. This time, I am honestly just exhausted, which is annoying because I should be working late in to the nights but instead find I am sleepy by 9pm. And, when I do sleep, I am dreaming about giant chemical elements scrabble pieces that are aggressive in a way that scrabble pieces just shouldn't be. Last night I actually dreamt that a boy kissed me and then told me that he had lots going on and didn't want to get involved in anything - a 31 year old single girl does not need that happening to her in her dreams!! I have also dreamt that we were driving through a war-torn Mauritius and the bridges were made of corrugated iron... I am not sure where that dream came from - but R did a sterling job of driving L and I through the gun-wielding thugs!

The trouble is that when you are stressed - and it is causing real physiological or mental damage, what can you really do about it? It's not exactly helpful when the doctors  tell you "it's stress" because you can't actually switch that off, or quit like you would cigarettes. 

Breakup survival #2

Supporting Ghana at Loftus

So, in my previous post, I told you some examples of how everyone else was amazing, but now I want to tell you some of the things I did to cope.

• I stopped listening to music radio; music tends to be either about love or heartbreak and I couldn't handle any one else's emotions on top of my own. I had my fabulous compilation of angry chic music (thanks +Kerri and +Chris ) but I also listened to News/Talk radio instead (702/Cape Talk) and was more informed than I've been in ages (*unexpected bonus*)

• I decided to say YES to every opportunity that came my way. This meant going to parties I would previously have made excuses to avoid - for no good reason! I volunteered for a local branch of a political party (and, incidentally, still do) where I met people I would never have otherwise met. Through this I went to houses straight out of magazines, saw Helen Zille and got to drive ladies that had been alive in WW2 to voting stations (AMAZING!) On the flip side of this, I also went to help at a by-election in the heart of the Cape Flats, where I saw 2 children and a dog squabbling over a piece of food someone had nonchalantly tossed to the floor. It is hard to feel self pity at moments like that. 

Fortuitously, it was also the year South Africa hosted the Football World Cup and I went BIG! Admittedly, this didn't do wonders for my PhD, but it did make me very happy and I have awesome memories from this period. It would have been a very different world cup if I had been in a relationship (much less partying to all hours, I am sure) and I wouldn't have spent so much time with the lovely +Dayne Davey . 

• One of the less glamorous moments also lead to good things. (Let me remind you, I was a mess, and would quietly skulk into my office just trying not to cry, I shudder to think of it now). My boyfriend was in the same department as me, so we had tended to have lunch together and he was often the only person that I exchanged more than a greeting with the whole day (super diligent, QUIET office). One day, one of my office mates innocently said the usual, "hi" and I promptly burst into tears. From then on we actually chatted to each other, socialised outside work and work was a much happier place for me. I also started to go to departmental tea - and have never stopped. Now I look forward to seeing so many people I count as friends at work every day.  (*unexpected bonus*)

Hitting back at the world
on a night out in Knysna

• I went to Knysna for an awesome weekend with friends... and... I kissed a twenty year old. When you kiss a 20 year (so scandalous) in a night club, it's as though the whole world disappears and all that exists is that kiss. I had forgotten that I miss kissing like that.  (*unexpected bonus*) and the best part is, I went home with the friends I love, to (unadvisedly) finish another bottle of wine (I blame +Dayne). 

Being single also gave me time to devote to lots of activities, including a very rewarding year being post grad rep. for our department, some really big nights out, quality time with friends I had neglected, making new friends and yes, inevitably, more time on my thesis. It also started me wearing mascara (under my cousin Sandra's insistence - she said it would help me face the world if I feel attractive, there was a new hairstyle at this point too) and I still wear it; I almost think of it as war paint to face the day. (No idea what the male equivalent would be???) 

A long term perk of my (persistent) singledom is that I when the crucial "what next" question rears its ugly, persistent head, I only have to think about me, which sounds selfish, but really opens up the world. I don't think it's necessarily that fate hands you a teaspoon of sugar to help the rough times go down, but more that you are open to new worlds when your comfortable, rut-world implodes. 

I love the Lady Julia Grey books by Deanna Raybourn, and included an extract from the first one (Silent in the Grave) in my previous blog, but I LOVE  this extract even more. 

Breakup survival #1

You are doing a PhD, you are pretty much in a world of your own focused on the stresses associated with that. Unfortunately, you don't exist in a bubble and some time life gives you a bit of a slap in the face...

In April of my 3rd year, my boyfriend broke up with me. CRUSHED! It was a complete shock - a bit like I imagine being hit by a truck would feel like, well fewer broken bones, but still shaky and nauseous. AND he did it just after a had put in a 96 well PCR, which was a massive moment for me given that so little of my lab work had been working. That PCR was (expensively) abandoned, that page in my lab book out-of-bounds. I managed to smile my way through a quick meeting that afternoon (A true testament to my stiff-upper-lip English ancestors) and then we drove the 67km from Pretoria to Johannesburg in the same car, but no longer together.

BLISS - 200m away from the new
house - definitely worth the stress

This all happened in a really manic week in the history of my family. My parents were retiring and moving to KwaZulu-Natal, my sister and her fiance were out from England (he was meeting most of the family for the first time); there was lots of stress and the emotions associated with leaving the house we had grown up in and lived in for over 20 years. Also, it wasn't just me hurting, everyone close to me was surprised and sad about the break-up. We (the boyfriend and I) had also booked a weekend away to attend a wedding (can you imagine going to a wedding with a broken heart?) that I still feel sad and guilty about missing, particularly since I still haven't given them the present.

So obviously, stressful time, and then THIS! I lost my appetite (that's never happened to me before!) and to this day I haven't managed to finish reading Duncton Wood, not because it is sad but because I couldn't stand that two moles (jealous of MOLES!? Really Shannon?) could be so in love and my heart was broken. Still, I went with my folks to their new home and I tried to be helpful and enthusiastic and to be honest it was a great trip. It is also probably the only holiday I've had in many years where I did NO PhD work and didn't feel even a tiny but GUILTY (*unexpected bonus*).

If you ever have this experience - and I sincerely hope you don't - I want to let you know there are actually good things about it too. Hard to believe, I know, but maybe some of the things I learnt can help you out??

• My family was AMAZING, so supportive and actually... I have no words. 

• My sister, +Kerri McDonald, and her husband, +Chris McDonald, compiled an awesome collection of angry chic music (Google - there's lots out there) to which I could sing (badly) along.  We also watched YouTube videos which were so much more angry than I was feeling (or indeed have ever felt) that, oddly, I felt a better instantly. She also gave me chocolate for breakfast  (*unexpected bonus*). 

• My cousin, Sandra, gave me an A5 notebook in which, she told me, I was to write 3 pages every day and NEVER look back. (Of course I looked back - it is full of the most awful, miserable nonsense). I always find writing therapeutic, (I guess that explains the blog), and it was good to have somewhere to moan without exhausting my friends/family. 

Uvongo beach:
 my childhood favourite.

• My mom, never a fan of road-tripping was even more indulgent than usual and we did some great trips around the KZN south coast with Dad, +Tessa Hampton and her man. (*unexpected bonus*)

• My friends were so awesome, either with their indignation and anger that saved me the trouble of being angry, or just their silent support. I truly felt so loved that my heart still swells with gratitude for my awesome friends years later. It really stopped me taking them for granted in my PhD-addicted life. (*unexpected bonus*)

• Once back in Cape Town, I went to the campus therapist (he had the same name as the ex, but I didn't hold that against him) and he told me the most USEFUL thing I can probably share with you: he said that I wasn't depressed, I was sad and in mourning, and that I should LET myself be! Sometimes you actually need someone to tell you this because I think we all feel like we should do the stiff upper lip thing and feel guilty about crying (I am a crier), but actually, a really good sob (multiple good sobs) is really what you NEED (and chocolate/wine!)

• So many people shared their own stories of heart break with me, and it really helped to know they had survived, they were happy, functional people, many in excellent relationships. Obviously, you know the hurt won't last forever, but in the moment it is hard to visualize the end of it. 

Brinny - master Easter egg deliverer
- loving her new home by the sea

• The dogs were even amazing. There was one moment in particular, I was sitting in the lounge and something had made me cry, Brinny (the dog) got up and left the room. When she came back, she was delicately holding an Easter egg in its (undamaged) tinfoil wrapping between her teeth which she dropped at my feet. (There had been marauding monkeys in the kitchen earlier that had abandoned the Easter eggs at a height accessible to her).

Thieving monkeys are still cute!

OK, this is rather a long post for modern attention spans, and I was going to mention some of the positive things I did to make life fabulous again, but I will save that for another post...

Exploring KZN. Oribi Gorge (left top and bottom and wildlife),
Umtumvuna Gorge (Right bottom and with me looking over edge)
Brinny (with cone) and Jill happy to be at the beach.