Stress

This is something everyone can relate to, I am sure. It is an all-pervasive condition of our world - at least as far as I can tell. I am guilty about stressing about things that aren't even real. For instance, I have been avoiding asking my supervisor for help because I can feel her rolling her eyes when I pop my head into her office - only, she isn't. I am just projecting the frustration I am feeling with myself on to her. She, meanwhile, considers my work a priority and told me I mustn't hesitate to ask her things. (She really is VERY nice, and says this despite being SUPER busy ALL the time.) One of the troubles with stress, is that we are all in our own heads so much, we start making up things to stress about, and since there are very real things to stress about, that seems a little bit like a silly thing to do. 

And personally, I have had long-lasting, physiological symptoms of stress, real ones - diagnosed by doctors, but besides that, there have also been various small things I have noticed about myself that have changed as a result of stress. (I noticed this particularly when I handed in the first time, although some of the symptoms are returning like old friends). Firstly, terrible memory, granted I have never had an awesome memory for details, but this is a kind of preoccupied single mindedness that isn't even necessarily thinking about my PhD but about how stressed I am about my PhD. This means that I can literally have a conversation with you and completely forget all details - or sometimes, even the fact that we had a conversation (sorry!). Here, and only in this instance, wine doesn't help! 

I was also more than usually scatter-brained. Once, I actually left the stove top on for hours - thank goodness everything was fine but please don't tell Eskom  - I am honestly usually very good about electricity. I also lost stuff. This seriously bothered me. I can tell you where my Grade 1 diary is right now. I am usually a really organised, neat person and I know where to find my stuff, but I lost things. And it worried me!!! 

Then there was the normal stuff, the self-involvement, the wanting to hide under the bed, the vaguely hysterical moments, wanting to eat chocolate, drinking wine (this does help)... you know, normal stress responses. This time, I am honestly just exhausted, which is annoying because I should be working late in to the nights but instead find I am sleepy by 9pm. And, when I do sleep, I am dreaming about giant chemical elements scrabble pieces that are aggressive in a way that scrabble pieces just shouldn't be. Last night I actually dreamt that a boy kissed me and then told me that he had lots going on and didn't want to get involved in anything - a 31 year old single girl does not need that happening to her in her dreams!! I have also dreamt that we were driving through a war-torn Mauritius and the bridges were made of corrugated iron... I am not sure where that dream came from - but R did a sterling job of driving L and I through the gun-wielding thugs!

The trouble is that when you are stressed - and it is causing real physiological or mental damage, what can you really do about it? It's not exactly helpful when the doctors  tell you "it's stress" because you can't actually switch that off, or quit like you would cigarettes. 

Perspective

I think one of the difficult things about doing a PhD is keeping perspective. Your whole world revolves around your thesis, always your thesis. All you are thinking about is your thesis - for years. I fear, it is also some times the only thing that PhD-ers talk about. For instance, last night I was having a beer at the Beer House with a friend (well I was actually having some alcoholic version of cheap squeezey juice that was advertised as being the same as the experience of breaking on your bicycle and landing head first in hedgerows - I get overwhelmed with large menu decisions). We were discussing the colour of the decor, an innocent non-PhD topic, yet the conversation morphed into PowerPoint slide designs (entirely my fault, Em)... My laboured point is that the even when you aren't doing a PhD, you are thinking about it. 

Unfortunately, this makes PhD-ers a little self involved (disclaimer - that  is a massive generalisation all I can really attest to is that it makes me, as a PhD-er, a little self involved). When your fellow PhD-ers talk about troubles they are having, you are probably mentally thinking about how that could affect you, or whether it has any bearing on your own work. I have told many people (and STILL more EVERY week - how is that possible?) about having to resubmit and when one of those people is a PhD student, I can see in their eyes that all they are thinking is, "oh please don't let that happen to me", which is fair enough, I completely understand but still... similarly, when someone else is about to hand-in, amongst the "high-fives" and "congratulations" there is the "oh why isn't it me" yearning. 

We are frequently behind on general news items and getting really specialised in one direction frequently means you forget some of the more general concepts or under-graduate knowledge (or find that it was over-simplified and there are more exceptions to any rule than you realised). You are also probably more tentative about saying something confidently because you are all too aware of all the grey areas. The good news is that you are probably not dumber, you just feel dumber... Wait, is that good news?

This is from 'The Illustrated Guide to a PhD"

The thing is, in everything going on in the world, your PhD is just a small part of it, an important part of course, but since this is "Human Rights Day" weekend (in South Africa), I encourage a little perspective. Appreciate the fact that the PhD is the biggest problem in your world, because it is a luxury to be able to do a PhD. Get involved in your community, even if it is science open day type involvement. Listen to your friends. Listen to your family, and put YOUR PhD out of your mind when you do, because one day it will be over and you will still have to like yourself when it is and have people that want to (sincerely) "high-five"  you when it is your time to hand-in.



Disclaimer: I am unlikely to be practicing what I preach for the next bit. Unfortunately, I am on a little bit of a deadline, so please excuse me if I am COMPLETELY self-involved and obsessive/grumpy/cynical for the next little while. I really do still love you all...  

He who shall not be named

Friday has just crept up on me unawares... 

Stolen from the internet,
but just in case you need the reminder

You know that scene in Harry Potter the Order of the Phoenix (of course you do) where Harry is lying on the floor, possessed by Voldemort who is telling Dumbledore that he has lost... Dramatic moment... And, while that is going on, Harry is flipping through these poignant mental images of happy memories - the one that resonates with me is this sepia-esque shot of Harry, Ron and Hermione giggling in front of the fire, discussing the fact that Ron has the depth of a teaspoon. So, if you remember (obviously you do), Harry Potter  pushes Voldemort out with: "you're the weak one, you'll never know love, or friendship and I feel sorry for you." (Yes, I HAD to watch it again to check...) 

You are unlikely (thank goodness) to be fighting the unnameable forces of evil personified (and sadly, you don't get to go to Hogwarts) but it is possible that you are sometimes feeling alone, overwhelmed and as though you are tackling something monstrous, much bigger than yourself. If you find yourself lying on the floor, feeling defeated, make sure that you have a catalogue of happy memories that you can flip through to fight the demons off.  

The "bad" news is, to build up this catalogue, you can't possibly spend every evening and weekend working. You need to keep up the friendships and be open to giggle moments. My catalogue of moments generally include sunshine and wine... and my awesome, awesome (pink champagne drinking) friends. These moments will hopefully get you through those Word-crashing, R-flopping, late-night-working, nothing-going-right weeks and still give you something to smile about. And, like Harry, you don't have to do it all alone. There are people that will help, people that care about you and people that will giggle with you (some particularly rad people will do all those things). Thank goodness, unlike Harry, it's just a PhD that you have to battle with...

It's almost weekend, go out and add some happy moments to your catalogue. 

Catching crabs in Sea Point

My favourite project so far.
I loved being so independent and
self sufficient. 

I did one of my BSc(Hons) projects on the invasive alien European green crab, Carcinus maenas, and you can imagine how I was teased about working on crabs... Feel free to snigger to yourself before you move on. Still, this was truly my favourite project in my post graduate career. I really loved that I could just get on and do it and that I knew what I was doing most of the time. (It also resulted in neat paper which I am quite proud of.) 

When I saw an advert looking for people to help a Stellenbosch University PhD student (who's supervisor is just lovely and someone I really respect and admire) with field work looking for these crabs, I was really quite excited to sign up. I have an almost compulsive need to sign up for things anyway, which has its pros and cons. 

So, last weekend in addition to helping my friend Z with her mussel field work I started doing crab work again. (Incidentally, my second BSc(Hons) project was on one the species of invasive mussels that Z is working on and while I loved that project too it was never published, but it did take me to some of the most beautiful places on the west coast of SA and, I think, one of the main reasons I can now count a truly awesome person among my genuinely fabulous friends). 

One of Z's field sites
and one of the locations used in TV series, Black Pearl

There are three reasons that I sign up to do these things: 1) Even though the pay isn't great, it is more than I would have without it, 2) I know how hard it is to find reliable people to with field work, so this is my way of earning "research karma" points and 3) most importantly the best thing about doing biology is the bit that happens outside so I like the excuse to step away from my PC and get into the field. 

I think it doesn't really matter what it is that you do, it is important to occasionally remind yourself why you do it. It is so easy to get bogged down in the detail that you forget about the big picture. I didn't study biology to learn how to use R (multivariate statistics in R are giving my a headache this week), although R is a useful tool for doing biology. I do biology to understand how tiny bits of the world work and because the world is a beautiful, fascinating place! (Actually, to be completely honest, I do biology to try understand the world in the hope of contributing to conservation and rational, knowledge-based bunny hugging). 

Silwerstroom 

So, for me anyway, I find it helps to step outside and be fascinated by the world I want so desperately to protect. On Saturday, at Blouberg Beach, in between looking for green crabs, I found a (different) crab the size of a R2 coin, still soft from moulting. On Sunday, at Sea Point, in the beds of sea lettuce (Ulva sp) I saw hundreds of cushion stars at densities I haven't seen in ages. Marvelling at these small treasures (chitons, brittle stars, starfish, anenomes, tube worms and there were many more) are what make working in the field, in biology so exciting. That renewed enthusiasm for all things marine has helped get me through my multivariate headaches - well, that and wine at the pub last night... 

I definitely recommend finding what it is that you love about what you do (your work, not what you do to avoid your work) and indulging in it from time to time... 

P.S. It helped that the weather this weekend was stunning and so it was actually quite nice being knee deep in Cape Town waters, I am not sure how much I will be oozing enthusiasm when I have to do this in winter... Although, there is something satisfying about feeling like a hardcore biologist... 

Interesting Article

A couple of friends have posted this article in The Guardian about mental health issues in academia on their Facebook pages. I thought it worth sharing and have also shared some of my thoughts... 

Wow, this article is all about how PhDs can go severely wrong. I know that since I started my PhD I have changed, I am less confident somehow (having not started out with a wealth of confidence this is a problem) and have become a little more cynical and defensive. I know it has affected my health (and bank balance - doctors are expensive - particularly specialists) and I have recently been accused of being negative which is something I would never have thought myself capable of before. I know I preferred my rose-tinted, optimistic view of the world, and that my shades are a little darker than before (actually, I don't have shades at the moment because the ones I won in 2007 are too scratched to wear now and my PhD had definitely affected my bank balance to the point of not being able to buy new ones). This is why this blog is about rediscovering the "bubbles and whimsy" in life and looking for the positive in things. I know that while I haven't slept under my desk there are people close to me that have, and I have definitely pulled all-nighters. I know that I feel guilty for NOT working EVERY weekend, and when I am socialising I don't enjoy it as much as I used to because I feel like I should be working. And, funny thing, I like to think that I am quite well balanced, love life (mostly) and am lucky in my supervisors... I have definitely not had it as bad as many people and certainly not as bad as the people in the article. 

So read the article and see what you think. Maybe we can encourage similar programs in other universities. (UCT does offer student counselling as part of their student wellness services).