added bonus

Brinny in Christmas jewels

The naked computer -
my graphics card melted a
couple of years ago. 

It has been a bit like Christmas in our lab. The research staff need to finish off their funding before the end of the month, so people have been receiving new screens/laptops etc. Of course I haven't - that's VERY understandable given that I should have already been out of here years ago, but as I sit with my naked computer that is slower than... I am to think of an analogy to put in here. I wonder where I have been going wrong over the years.

University of Aberdeen

This extends beyond the computer of course. I have enviously watched friends and colleagues dashing off to Amsterdam, Canary Islands, Japan, USA, Tasmania etc. Throughout my (rather extended) post graduate career, I have been to ONE international conference and I was able to do that because I was funded by SAEON who knew me from my time as a (occasionally it felt like "the") SAEON-GSN committee member. (* I have been to numerous local conferences - that I have loved and found immensely useful for meeting people that I am sure to see and again and possibly work with! *) That conference was the World Marine Biodiversity Conference in Aberdeen, Scotland. It was amazing... huge, rather intimidating but amazing and I met someone lovely, who is hopefully going to make the world of difference to my PhD.

The Sven Loven Centre for Marine
Sciences, Tjarno, Sweden

I also went to a FANTASTIC (seriously, so useful, so much fun, I met fabulous people from so many countries, and swam in the sea at midnight - in SWEDEN - if you can GO!) "Experimental Design and Data Analysis for Marine Scientists" course in Sweden. That doesn't count because I paid for that myself, nerd that I am. (The course was free, and included accommodation and food, so really I just paid for my flights and it was very definitely worth it.)

View from our accommodation in Tjarno

Obviously you don't just go to conferences because it is an exciting opportunity/excuse to travel; they are important places to network, put your work (and yourself) out there and engage with people working in the same field. It is also a chance to rejuvenate your passion and enthusiasm in your field by seeing the awesome things that other people are doing. Rumour has it, it is a very good way to find post docs/jobs, because when hundreds of people are applying for the same position, it helps if the person you are applying to has met you before or seen your (presumably excellent) presentation.

So what did I do wrong???

Say what you like, but I do love JHB!
This pic was taken by +Kerri and
+Chris  in 2010 (soccer fever year)

• I struggled so much to get results, that by the time I did I was too late to apply for many of the grants that require you to be in your 2nd year of PhD. 
• I am DEFINITELY not assertive enough, I felt so bad about asking for refunds for flights to Pretoria that I only started doing so in my second year despite it being a legitimate expense. (Never mind how much money it cost me driving back and forth from Johannesburg (where I could stay for free with my parents) to Pretoria (where I did all my lab work) - I never even mentioned that to my supervisors.
• My work isn't the main interest of my primary supervisor. (She's brilliant, and has been really supportive and helpful, but does quite different work to my PhD and mostly she is my primary supervisor because I wanted to be registered at UCT.) So I guess make sure that your supervisor is as desperate to get your work acknowledged as you are.  

UCT is the cluster of red roofs on the
far side of Rondebosch Common -
A seriously beautiful spot for a campus! 

What can you do right???

• ASK, I guess the worst that can happen is you get refused. (Always easier to give advice than take it).
• When I did get to go to Aberdeen, as I said the money was from SAEON, it is important to look into sourcing your own funding, so you can at least go to your supervisor with partial funding in the bag. 

Of course, since I have had a complete LACK of success in this I thought I would ask some friends what they think is the right approach:

+Emily (who has been to Amsterdam twice this year and Denmark last year) wins the prize for giving two pieces of really useful advice:

1. "Don't underestimate the power of your MOU (memorandum of understanding/contract).

Make sure you get what you expect out of your degree and your relationship with your supervisor by putting it in your MOU. Number of holidays you are allowed to take, a new computer/laptop/hard drive should you need it, how often you will meet your supervisor. sure, maybe meeting every 2 weeks isn't necessary in the middle of your work, but at the start and end you need those meetings, and you can use your MOU to remind them that they have the obligation to you to meet the terms agreed to.

2. Look for external funding for trips, conferences and other interesting workshops.

Your supervisor wants you to attend things and if you can find your own funding they will support it with a very nice letter. If you are caught short they are more likely to pick up the difference too."

+Kate (who went to the Penguin conference in Bristol this year)
let me use her lovely alliteration poem 

3. And from a discussion with +Sally  and others this week: Get friendly with your department's technical people (they can be fabulously useful)!!!

OK, but if you don't get to go to exotic locations, don't despair - just make sure that your awesome friends bring you back treats from foreign lands. (Thanks +Emily  and Kate)


PS I seriously can't think of a good title for this post, so if you have anything, let me know :)

The 'F' Word

There are various examples of people talking about the benefits of failure (TED on failure including the amazing E.O. Wilson with his advice to young scientists) and how it shouldn't be something to be scared of. I am not sure that helps much when you are banging your head against your desk - but I am still going to talk to you about my own experiences and maybe you can find a tiny ray of hope or enjoy a moment of smugness that you didn't have these experiences. 

Above: Me - way back when: with my
wave-tunnel. The photo is taken by
my supervisor, Charlie Griffiths.
Below: The alien crab (photo by Arthro)

In honours (in South Africa, it is a 3 year BSc followed by 1 year Honours) we had two research projects. One of mine was meant to be on spiny starfish Marthasterias glacialis eating sea snails (Oxystele spp). I was investigating prey size or species preference - honestly, I just don't remember the details. We collected the star fish and snails from a lovely spot in False Bay, brought them back to the aquarium and set everything up... Nothing happened. The silly star fish didn't want to eat. There was no reason for this not working, it was a simple, neat experiment (that I forget the details of so don't try replicate it to prove me wrong), but it flopped. 

My supervisor, who really is one of my heroes in science, and I came up with another idea (OK, I was in Honours, it was probably all his idea). I really loved this project too. I set off to the V&A Waterfront with a crab trap baited with sardines I had bought from Pick n Pay (I resisted buying the ones marinaded in tomato sauce) and sat on the pier catching crabs (you can imagine the teasing I received during this project). I then tested the gripping strength of an invasive crab species (Carcinus maenas) compared to a local species (Plagusia chabrus) by putting them in a wave tunnel and timing how long it took until they let go off the rock. (Spoiler alert - the local species was much better adapted to wave exposed coastlines). This second project worked out really well and was subsequently published and won me a poster prize at the South African Marine Science Symposium in 2008. (*Failure flop*)

Above: Ridiculously adorable penguins
at Boulders Beach.
Below: Transponder reader installed
on Robben Island. 

Me fitting a flipper band

In my MSc, on African Penguins, (I know you are thinking ahhhhhh - but don't be fooled, those seriously adorable, ridiculously photogenic birds can be surprisingly mean and their bites draw blood!!) I was testing whether flipper banding impacted on foraging trip duration and survival. Half the birds were banded and all birds had a unique transponder inserted under their skins (like the pet ID you use with dogs and cats?) I had set up a walk-through transponder reader to record time and direction they were going in on one of the major penguin highways on Robben Island. The trouble was, half the time, it didn't work: the computer overheated, the power on the island was ridiculously unreliable and each time it failed I lost EVERYTHING, I couldn't reliably tell which way the birds were walking etc. Near the end of my first (of 2) year I was understandably in a panic. 

Photo taken by +Richard Sherley of penguins walking through
transponder reader on Robben Island. 

A view of Boulders Beach.

As a back-up plan, we decided to do a breeding success study at Boulders Beach (between banded and unbanded birds). This meant watching the sunrise over one of the most beautiful beaches in Cape Town on my weekly nest rounds (sometimes while knee-deep in guano, of course). Again, this work was actually published. (*Failure flop*)  Incidentally, my amazing friend +Andrew , who is one of the cleverest people I know, (he is now a software engineer and lecturer at Oxford) managed to rescue the other part of my project and in the end I had a whole chapter on methods (and their problems) in my thesis. 

Boulders Beach penguins

(Unfortunately, the biggest failure for penguin work is that the ridiculously adorable African Penguin population has plummeted and they are at seriously risk of disappearing all together despite a lot of effort going in to protecting them. Check out the amazing stuff being done at SANCCOB and some of the awesome research being done by various people at UCT  - +Kate 's penguin tracks blog, ADU website, +Richard's site or Penguin Watch. And if you can support with MySchool or "buy" a penguin from SANCCOB or come visit Robben Island on an Earthwatch team.)

These are just two examples from my earlier postgraduate days and there were MANY more stumbling blocks along the way (occasionally blood, sweat and tears all in the SAME day). The number of troubles increased EXPONENTIALLY with my PhD but that needs a whole new blog post - possibly accompanied by the fortifying strength of a bottle of wine.

Don't be fooled; that beak is strong

Greeting the sunrise on Boulders Beach

Breakup survival #2

Supporting Ghana at Loftus

So, in my previous post, I told you some examples of how everyone else was amazing, but now I want to tell you some of the things I did to cope.

• I stopped listening to music radio; music tends to be either about love or heartbreak and I couldn't handle any one else's emotions on top of my own. I had my fabulous compilation of angry chic music (thanks +Kerri and +Chris ) but I also listened to News/Talk radio instead (702/Cape Talk) and was more informed than I've been in ages (*unexpected bonus*)

• I decided to say YES to every opportunity that came my way. This meant going to parties I would previously have made excuses to avoid - for no good reason! I volunteered for a local branch of a political party (and, incidentally, still do) where I met people I would never have otherwise met. Through this I went to houses straight out of magazines, saw Helen Zille and got to drive ladies that had been alive in WW2 to voting stations (AMAZING!) On the flip side of this, I also went to help at a by-election in the heart of the Cape Flats, where I saw 2 children and a dog squabbling over a piece of food someone had nonchalantly tossed to the floor. It is hard to feel self pity at moments like that. 

Fortuitously, it was also the year South Africa hosted the Football World Cup and I went BIG! Admittedly, this didn't do wonders for my PhD, but it did make me very happy and I have awesome memories from this period. It would have been a very different world cup if I had been in a relationship (much less partying to all hours, I am sure) and I wouldn't have spent so much time with the lovely +Dayne Davey . 

• One of the less glamorous moments also lead to good things. (Let me remind you, I was a mess, and would quietly skulk into my office just trying not to cry, I shudder to think of it now). My boyfriend was in the same department as me, so we had tended to have lunch together and he was often the only person that I exchanged more than a greeting with the whole day (super diligent, QUIET office). One day, one of my office mates innocently said the usual, "hi" and I promptly burst into tears. From then on we actually chatted to each other, socialised outside work and work was a much happier place for me. I also started to go to departmental tea - and have never stopped. Now I look forward to seeing so many people I count as friends at work every day.  (*unexpected bonus*)

Hitting back at the world
on a night out in Knysna

• I went to Knysna for an awesome weekend with friends... and... I kissed a twenty year old. When you kiss a 20 year (so scandalous) in a night club, it's as though the whole world disappears and all that exists is that kiss. I had forgotten that I miss kissing like that.  (*unexpected bonus*) and the best part is, I went home with the friends I love, to (unadvisedly) finish another bottle of wine (I blame +Dayne). 

Being single also gave me time to devote to lots of activities, including a very rewarding year being post grad rep. for our department, some really big nights out, quality time with friends I had neglected, making new friends and yes, inevitably, more time on my thesis. It also started me wearing mascara (under my cousin Sandra's insistence - she said it would help me face the world if I feel attractive, there was a new hairstyle at this point too) and I still wear it; I almost think of it as war paint to face the day. (No idea what the male equivalent would be???) 

A long term perk of my (persistent) singledom is that I when the crucial "what next" question rears its ugly, persistent head, I only have to think about me, which sounds selfish, but really opens up the world. I don't think it's necessarily that fate hands you a teaspoon of sugar to help the rough times go down, but more that you are open to new worlds when your comfortable, rut-world implodes. 

I love the Lady Julia Grey books by Deanna Raybourn, and included an extract from the first one (Silent in the Grave) in my previous blog, but I LOVE  this extract even more. 

Breakup survival #1

You are doing a PhD, you are pretty much in a world of your own focused on the stresses associated with that. Unfortunately, you don't exist in a bubble and some time life gives you a bit of a slap in the face...

In April of my 3rd year, my boyfriend broke up with me. CRUSHED! It was a complete shock - a bit like I imagine being hit by a truck would feel like, well fewer broken bones, but still shaky and nauseous. AND he did it just after a had put in a 96 well PCR, which was a massive moment for me given that so little of my lab work had been working. That PCR was (expensively) abandoned, that page in my lab book out-of-bounds. I managed to smile my way through a quick meeting that afternoon (A true testament to my stiff-upper-lip English ancestors) and then we drove the 67km from Pretoria to Johannesburg in the same car, but no longer together.

BLISS - 200m away from the new
house - definitely worth the stress

This all happened in a really manic week in the history of my family. My parents were retiring and moving to KwaZulu-Natal, my sister and her fiance were out from England (he was meeting most of the family for the first time); there was lots of stress and the emotions associated with leaving the house we had grown up in and lived in for over 20 years. Also, it wasn't just me hurting, everyone close to me was surprised and sad about the break-up. We (the boyfriend and I) had also booked a weekend away to attend a wedding (can you imagine going to a wedding with a broken heart?) that I still feel sad and guilty about missing, particularly since I still haven't given them the present.

So obviously, stressful time, and then THIS! I lost my appetite (that's never happened to me before!) and to this day I haven't managed to finish reading Duncton Wood, not because it is sad but because I couldn't stand that two moles (jealous of MOLES!? Really Shannon?) could be so in love and my heart was broken. Still, I went with my folks to their new home and I tried to be helpful and enthusiastic and to be honest it was a great trip. It is also probably the only holiday I've had in many years where I did NO PhD work and didn't feel even a tiny but GUILTY (*unexpected bonus*).

If you ever have this experience - and I sincerely hope you don't - I want to let you know there are actually good things about it too. Hard to believe, I know, but maybe some of the things I learnt can help you out??

• My family was AMAZING, so supportive and actually... I have no words. 

• My sister, +Kerri McDonald, and her husband, +Chris McDonald, compiled an awesome collection of angry chic music (Google - there's lots out there) to which I could sing (badly) along.  We also watched YouTube videos which were so much more angry than I was feeling (or indeed have ever felt) that, oddly, I felt a better instantly. She also gave me chocolate for breakfast  (*unexpected bonus*). 

• My cousin, Sandra, gave me an A5 notebook in which, she told me, I was to write 3 pages every day and NEVER look back. (Of course I looked back - it is full of the most awful, miserable nonsense). I always find writing therapeutic, (I guess that explains the blog), and it was good to have somewhere to moan without exhausting my friends/family. 

Uvongo beach:
 my childhood favourite.

• My mom, never a fan of road-tripping was even more indulgent than usual and we did some great trips around the KZN south coast with Dad, +Tessa Hampton and her man. (*unexpected bonus*)

• My friends were so awesome, either with their indignation and anger that saved me the trouble of being angry, or just their silent support. I truly felt so loved that my heart still swells with gratitude for my awesome friends years later. It really stopped me taking them for granted in my PhD-addicted life. (*unexpected bonus*)

• Once back in Cape Town, I went to the campus therapist (he had the same name as the ex, but I didn't hold that against him) and he told me the most USEFUL thing I can probably share with you: he said that I wasn't depressed, I was sad and in mourning, and that I should LET myself be! Sometimes you actually need someone to tell you this because I think we all feel like we should do the stiff upper lip thing and feel guilty about crying (I am a crier), but actually, a really good sob (multiple good sobs) is really what you NEED (and chocolate/wine!)

• So many people shared their own stories of heart break with me, and it really helped to know they had survived, they were happy, functional people, many in excellent relationships. Obviously, you know the hurt won't last forever, but in the moment it is hard to visualize the end of it. 

Brinny - master Easter egg deliverer
- loving her new home by the sea

• The dogs were even amazing. There was one moment in particular, I was sitting in the lounge and something had made me cry, Brinny (the dog) got up and left the room. When she came back, she was delicately holding an Easter egg in its (undamaged) tinfoil wrapping between her teeth which she dropped at my feet. (There had been marauding monkeys in the kitchen earlier that had abandoned the Easter eggs at a height accessible to her).

Thieving monkeys are still cute!

OK, this is rather a long post for modern attention spans, and I was going to mention some of the positive things I did to make life fabulous again, but I will save that for another post...

Exploring KZN. Oribi Gorge (left top and bottom and wildlife),
Umtumvuna Gorge (Right bottom and with me looking over edge)
Brinny (with cone) and Jill happy to be at the beach.

diligence fail

So, today is Friday, which is blog day... but I find myself feeling distinctly overwhelmed and exhausted. I have had lots of thoughts about what to put in the blog this week, during the week, but they have all run away from my head now. (I, at least, partially blame a Swedish couch surfer I am hosting who is 24 and has all the energy of the Duracell Bunny - ah to be young and travelling the world). So even while I am writing this I am wondering if I should just leave it for today and write again next week but then I thought actually whether it is writing a blog, or a PhD, we all have the days that I am having today and maybe there are ways to make the most of them.

Firstly, right now, I am feeling a little bit hungry, chances are my blood sugar is low so I am struggling to concentrate. This is no way to work! In theory, I should go get some food, and I will, I just want to finish this first... WAIT! Have you felt like that? Go get food, you will finish what you are trying to do much faster and probably with more enthusiasm and intelligence.

Find a beautiful space

If it truly is a day when you are unlikely to do anything, acknowledge it. Instead of sitting in front of the computer and just getting frustrated with yourself and the fact that no one has put anything interesting on Facebook since the last time you checked (two minutes ago), walk away! Go to the beach (or park), eat ice cream (this is my friend Emily's strategy for when she is feeling blue or uninspired - I love this advice but can't really bring myself to follow it). Hopefully, you will sit down the next day feeling refreshed and inspired (or, at the very least, guilty - which can do wonders for productivity).

Above my screen:
random smiley face of unknown origin,
magnificent penguin from a friend
bat from the top of last year's department
Christmas cake - I love his quirky grin.
(Please excuse picture quality)

If the overwhelmed-ness makes you want to crawl in a ball under you desk... a feeling I can completely relate to, check PhD Comics (I love these comics, I love to know that there are people out there going through the same thing as me - sometimes exactly - and it is OK to laugh ironically at yourself) or Thesis whisperer (I haven't looked at this much but, again, +Emily McGregor recommends it) or read the news and be grateful you live in an ivory cocoon.

The important thing is to breath, smile (force yourself but if you can't go speak to a cheerful friend or make sure you have smiley gadgets on your desk), hold on tight to your towel and Don't Panic (I LOVE Douglas Adams).

Terrible photo but you get the point?

I actually have a black pseudo-leather arm band thingy that I wear on days like this because my beautiful friend +Roxi Dodkins gave it to me so that makes me smile, but also because it has all these cheesy inspirational words written on it in silver that I find oddly uplifting maybe you just need to find your mojo-charm.

Don't eat elephants

Tricky thing a PhD, working alone for a far distant goal; a huge undertaking that seems impossible at times. One of the hardest things is that the quantity of work seems so immense that it is hard to imagine how you will ever get through it so it is often easier to not start or to WAB... after all, life is full of distractions...

(I am linking some distractions in here just to prove my point: A blog on procrastination Wait but Why on Procrastination; I am a big fan of PhD comics PhDs Believe it or Don't; and this is the most awesome thing I have recently been told about you can learn a new language for FREE or you can just feed the fish at the bottom of my screen)

Elephants at Etosha, Namibia

So how to deal with the feeling of being overwhelmed... My fabulous friend (sanity-saving who has provided invaluably help to me during both my MSc and PhD), +Andrew Markham told me over and over again that the way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. (This is an analogy, neither he nor I, condone the eating of elephants). Of course, this advice is all very well and good but HOW? 

Here I am not well suited to giving advice. I am, after all, way over my allocated time to finish a PhD (I will explain more about that another time) and instead of working on my chapter (s), I am writing a blog.

Don't eat elephants!!!!

So I suggest a schedule. Yes, of course this is obvious, and even fabulous schedules are frequently ignored, but hear me out. I allow myself GUILT FREE "wasted time" in the morning. This is when I check Facebook, write this blog (although I have made the rule to only do the blog on Fridays), read those random articles about procrastination. Then we have tea in the department, so I go to that, (that blog post will come) and then when tea is over, I know that I have to sit down and really concentrate. To help this, my friend Kate has recently told me about something called  Workrave which is supposed to help with carpal tunnel syndrome. I use it to force myself to concentrate for 25 minutes (you can set the time intervals) and then break for 4 minutes (during which I get up and refill my water glass - see benefits are endless, I am also drinking more water). Rather than aimlessly switching between multiple things and not getting anything done, I find it helps me focus on one thing at a time for those 25 minutes. Rad (yes, I am the type of person that says "Rad" unapologetically). Try it, maybe it will help (I mean the workrave thing, but saying rad is also quite fun! 

OK, almost tea time, Happy Friday!!!!!