Ramblings

I decided to give you a break from my PhD whining today and chat about what has been in my thoughts lately (what extra thoughts I have that are squished in between crab worries and PhD panics)...

"Bouncing here and there and everywhere,
high adventures that are beyond compare..."
I am going to have this song in my head for
rest of today, so maybe you should too! 

A couple of weeks ago, one of my friends mentioned that she had recently seen Maleficent and this lead on to a conversation about adaptations of stories. I mentioned Roald Dahl and his "Revolting Rhymes" and she has never heard of Roald Dahl. I have to say it again - she had never heard of Roald Dahl! I was astounded, but then again, she is German and probably has a whole different set of childhood treasures that I know nothing about. And even when I think of "Revolting Rhymes" I am generally thinking about my cousin dressed in a rock 'n roll skirt (layers of petticoat and, I think, neon pineapples on black material) jiving in my primary school's rendition of Roald Dahl's Cinderella (although not my primary school at the time because this was when I was about 4) which is a memory few people will have. This has me thinking about the early influences on our lives, and how I take for granted that everyone knows Gummi Bears, The Goonies, Roald Dahl or Enid Blyton. I can't imagine a childhood without the influence of the Secret Seven, or learning about the importance of protecting the environment from Captain Planet. To this day I can still "sing" the lyrics to the sound tracks from Captain Planet, Gummi Bears and even Pumpkin Patch (which caused trauma for me in my teenage life when I went to watch "Rocky Horror Picture Show" and Janet was played by the woman that used to be the sweet innocent presenter of Pumpkin Patch and was not so sweet and innocent any more - nothing like tainting childhood memories). 

Captain Planet, he's our Hero... 

When I was younger and still "clubbing" (before I put my dance moves away in the bottom drawer, only to be taken out at weddings), in the classy places that I frequented (Springboks/Tin Roof) they would inevitably play the theme from the Gummi Bears at some stage during the night. Does that still happen? Or are the undergrads of today bopping to the "Teletubbies" or "Barney" sound track - or some other show that didn't enter my world at all. And what will form the early sound track to the next generation (please not Barney). 

Never a huge fan of Rainbow
Brite, but I thought a 6 year
old would appreciate all the
cheerful colour! 

At the beginning of last year, I made a birthday invitation for my goddaughter using a picture of Rainbow Brite, my cousin told me that she loved the invitation, but obviously had no idea who Rainbow Brite was. It is possible that I am overly influenced by TV and books (anyone that has had a conversation with me will know that I am likely to mention 'How I Met Your Mother' at some stage), but what are the shows and books that influenced people that grew up in Germany, Argentina, Sweden and Armenia? What have I missed out on? I am really curious about how the media that we grow up with affects our perceptions in life. Or, maybe I am just feeling nostalgic for my youth and those carefree times when someone else paid for the food in the fridge...


(I have used "bopping", "jiving" and "clubbing" in this blog - am I already so middle aged?)

Whine without accompaniment of wine or excuse of last night's wine

There are some over-used cliches that are still appropriate. I have always been my own worst critic. In that typical way of so many women out there, I could list my faults quicker than my virtues, it's not something I like about myself (and would probably list it as one of those faults). The reason I bring this up though is because I'm finding this last push for the PhD very difficult. Heart-on-sleeve, I've lost faith in it all working out, for a number of reasons. Or maybe I am just tired at the moment and will be all bounce and enthusiasm again tomorrow.  

Looking across towards Hout Bay

I've seen people hand in, and comment that they felt lighter and happier having handed in. When I handed in, I felt doubt and anxiety (and a certain amount of happiness to be driving to Namibia the next day to spend a month with some awesome people studying dolphins). And, to be honest, I knew that there were issues with my sample sizes and uncertain results. I hoped that my amateur attempts at genetics weren't glaringly obvious, and that I'd get away with it. I wasn't entirely surprised I didn't, although I'm not sure why I had to wait anxiously for four months before I found out (they shouldn't draw out that kind of torment)!!

I did regroup, I've worked hard on trying to fix things up. I've sought help externally and have learnt a lot (including that some people in academics are amazingly kind and generous with their time, even harassed post docs). I've tried to get to grips with a whole new field, microchemisty, and turn my hesitant sentences into positive statements. I've spent an extra year of an already too large portion of my life trying to duct-tape the holes in my thesis.

The view from UCT parking lot

But, I'm feeling lost. I am feeling tired. And I am feeling a little let down. I know I've over-stayed my welcome and my project isn't that useful, far from sexy or even conclusive, but I still feel let down by academia, the system and my (amazing, intelligent, kind, incredibly busy and important that I would not want to say anything bad about) supervisors. I haven't heard from the one since they sent me comments on one (!!) Of my chapters the day before I was to hand in last April. I haven't had feedback on the 4 completed chapters I've sent to one of my other supervisors this year and haven't managed to be able to meet with them about the chapter I'm stumbling over, and I started stumbling months ago. And part of the problem now manifests in me not being as diligent as I should because I have lost confidence and I am feeling lost. (This works in a "oops, I sneezed... Can't work now, must be getting sick, will nap and work tomorrow" way). The trouble is, I feel guilty that I'm not out of their hair, off their to-do list, but I also don't think I can get through this second examination without their help.

I have also not had funding in 2013 or 2014 (although I did get some money when I found out my result which helped stop me having to dig for coins in the bottom of my bank account or, worse, get bailed out by my family - which I've subsequently resorted to again, to pay my 2014 fees). So I've been doing all sorts of things, that aren't my PhD. And I can't help comparing the encouragement/opportunities colleagues have had, even down to the PC they use to, my own world. And wonder if it's because I am subtly being shown the door out of this world. Things are tough, for everyone, I know, and it always looks rosier from the outside.

I really do appreciate that people have been kind and generous with their support and offers of help (from penguinologists, plantologists, fishologists, normal people and family). I'm the chubby teenager that needs constant reassurance. But, I'm still tired of being a cause for sympathy and constantly having to explain why I don't have my PhD, yet, so what happens if I don't get it at all? This, this, is all I have ever wanted to do... I don't have a back up plan... Any suggestions are welcome...

This isn't where I thought I would be now, but
on a sunny day, it isn't a bad place to be!

Basically, this isn't where I thought I would be in my life by now. Although I suspect that this is the case for many people in unpredictable life. I'm sad for the loss of the girl I thought I would be (in my very careful, control-mad plan for my life) but maybe there'll be something better about the woman I am to become because of all of this. I guess we'll just have to wait and see who that is...

Hout Bay

In a desperate bid to earn some money and keep me eating while writing up and looking for a job, I have taken a short-term job. It is an eradication project, to rid Hout Bay Harbour of the invasive alien crab, Carcinus maenas, or European Green Crab. I am actually the manager of a team of 9 minions - there were meant to be 10 minions, but one pulled out on day 1 so I am now a minion and minion manager.  It is all part of the project that has had me "catching crabs in Sea Point" this year. 

I've learnt some random things while in Hout Bay for the last couple of weeks: If you're going there as a tourist, you really want to be there in the morning (at least during the week in Winter), all the little informal shops close up by lunch time and the vibe changes to just a slightly seedy working harbour. (But thankfully with no creepy soap-selling girls) Saying that, the whole harbour is a little seedy all the time and should have a PG rating for language...I've heard words used in ways they shouldn't be... A lot... Everywhere. Although, the most disturbing thing is that there are Bergies (say it with a soft g and long r it means homeless people in Cape Townian) that hold fish in their mouths to feed the seals, for the enjoyment of the tourists, of course, and then they let the tourists (and the small children) pet the (WILD) seal. There are many reasons why this is disturbing, but I just dread the day a seal bites a tourist or child. It is illegal, but that doesn't stop many of the happenings in Hout Bay. 

If you are going there for lunch: Snoekies has the cheapest chips... Although Fish 4 Africa has a

cheaper chip roll. But I'm really not going to buy chips again... No, really! You can get instant coffee for R8, which is cheap, sure, but who pays for instant coffee?? Hot chocolate at the little kiosk is R16 which is comparatively expensive but when the wind is icy and you are wet through to the skin, nothing else will do... Well, wine would, but I'm working... OK you probably aren't going there for the cheapest possible chips, so I actually recommend the market on the weekend, which I haven't been to in months! And Mariner's Wharf is probably the classiest place - if you go upstairs! They also have a Winter specials menu. It is pretty difficult to find anything that isn't fish or chips, although there is a kiosk that has toasted sandwiches which I haven't been brave enough to try and a place called Ikhaya Coffee but that looks expensive so I haven't tried it out either... will keep you posted, I still have 6 weeks on the job. 

Clouds skipping over the mounta

Hout Bay harbour, as any where I guess, looks a little different everyday. My happiness levels are strongly correlated to sunshine availability but there's even something spectacular about the speed at which the clouds skip over the tops of the mountain (it's just not something my blackberry can photograph). There are bits of beauty everywhere, and a very dramatic setting, but the harbour could definitely do with some work and cleaning, and security... In my head I've always thought of Hout Bay as a really fancy place, but it apparently has a split personality. I have also always thought it's really far away, but it isn't actually, so I'm not sure how much you should trust my thoughts! (20-30minutes from Claremont, but my petrol usage is burning a hole in my pocket) !

Too adorable,
 3 sharks on my hand

Holding a fairly big
shy shark

There are more things living in the water than you'd think, mostly shy sharks, seals, crabs (of course) and klipvis (of a hundred different shades and patterns), but I truly love the shy sharks so it is great to hold them, see them up close and then let them go of course. The marine life is actually surprising to me because the water is (mostly) disgusting. From oil or diesel slicks to litter piled in corners and strange white effluents pumping into the shallows, never mind the fibre glass residue and other boat-maintenance gross-ness, it's a wonder anything lives here. If anyone knows who I can moan to about this, I'll write a strongly worded letter!! (Disturbingly, I was chatting to a frequent harbour-diver and she said Hout Bay is better than most, I slowly shake my head in despair!)

The trouble with having
an outside job

I've learnt stuff about myself too. And the crabs have been willing to teach me that when I get impatient with people I shouldn't be all cocky and take over, because that's when they'll pinch (and draw blood!!!) I have always known I don't like being told what to do, but I'm pretty strict on myself so I think I've turned out OK. Turns out I also don't like telling other people what to do (I'm not bad at it, I just don't like it, OK, maybe I am a little bad at it), I especially don't like saying the same thing more than once (oh wait, I knew that about me already). How hard is it to just do what you're supposed to do? It's also interesting that within a week I knew who, out of my team of 9 people, I'd want to employ were I in a position to employ people. That quickly... 1 week. First impressions do count.

And some first impressions are really interesting. People will happily admit to being poachers, swear colourfully at their boat-mate (then smile at you), or casually discuss the whereabouts of their drug stash. I had one occasion where I smiled and greeted a man, and he just laughed like a crazy person... I walked swiftly on. But, once you smell (yes, I stink) like the harbour, you blend in and stop getting asked for money. Then everyone, from the boat-yard mechanic to security guard to fisherman to restaurateur, to fancy boat-owner is friendly. They always have a smile and greeting for you, will chat about the catch, and offer suggestions (everyone has an opinion about where best to catch the crabs). Although I have been called "Mrs Crab" and "the crab lady" which I am not loving. The kids are attentive, interested and retain what you tell them to repeat to their friends the next time they see you. That really helps you get through a chilly, drizzly or boring day, so, smile it will help no matter where you are!

PS I cannot recommend Snoekies enough, they were so nice to us - ask for Richard! Admittedly I don't eat fish and that's the specialty, actually, it is pretty much their "only" but I'm sure their fish is great too... Their chips definitely are!!